Nothing to new and exciting...

Its been quite awhile since my last blog, so thought I should pop in. Nothing to new and exciting going on. Ive been having some health problems with my thyroid. Im in between doctors right now, and pretty much out of meds. So things are not going to well physically with me. But Im hanging in there till my appt, which is still 3o days away. Ugh.

Beck and I have been meeting up 3 times a week to go running, and let me tell you it is pretty great. Best motivation you will find :) . I can see such an improvement with each run. And we can actually hold a convo and run now, something I thought was impossible the first few times we ran. lol

Stress is at an al ltime high with the recent events in the auto industry. My company has began the process of eliminating positions, and the schedules for shut downs is pretty intense. We are shut down all this week, the week of Christmas, and than another week within the first 3 weeks of December. Some of our plants are closed from December 15th to January 5th. Its intense. Im just hanging in there and thankful every day that I still have a job. Its going to get worse before it gets better. But its out of my control, so Im trying to keep the worrying at bay...but its not that easy.

But happy things have been happening to, non healthwise related. A coworker of mine won front row Coldplay tickets! So I got to go :) How awesome is that? It felt like a dream. I swear Chris Martin sweated on me. :p And than last week I got to meet Newton Faulkner, and tell him personally how much I adored him. Grant proposed to me at his concert this past April so I got to share that with him to. He thought that was pretty cool :)

The weight is slowly creeping up, and I know its from not being on any thyroid meds. Ive been here before. Its not like Im not working out. So Im trying to stay focused on my eating, and keep at the runs. Its all I can do for now. Those two defintely will aid in keeping the depression low to. With the holidays upon me, and having limited family around its going to be difficult. But I refuse to let this get the best of me. Im stronger than that.

Inspired? Most defintely!

So I think Im coming down with a sinus infection, and Im pretty sure I may have caught it from a coworker. I catch sinus infections way to easy. So yesterday I could feel the head cold, and the sneezing was out of control. And today I had the achey feeling in my body, and was freezing all day. So I decided to just take it easy when I got home tonight.

Curled up in my chair with a blanket, dog in lap, and decided to watch Spirit of the Marathon. This is a documentary on a six different people and their experience on training and running the Chicago marathon. It was only in theaters for a few nights earlier this year, and I missed it. So have waited a long 9 months for this to hit DVD. I think right now is a great time to get inspired by a running documentary.

Ive seen a few running documentaries and they usually lose my interest 20 minutes in. But my eyes were glued to the screen through this whole film. It was better than I expected! I felt like I knew these people, and they all were so different. There were two elite athletes, Deena Caster (Olympic bronze medalist) and Kenyan Daniel Njenga. Than there was some first timers, a single mom (with an adorable supportive daughter!), and a 27 year old woman that was running for charity. There was also a husband/wife team that have run many marathons together, and were hoping to qualify for the Boston in this one. My favorite people in the movie was a 60 something father running with his daughter. This man was a inspiration to us all! Everyone was so easy to relate to, there was something in each of them that I could see in myself. They also showed these old clips of the different marathons from the beginning to now, and told the history of the marathon. That was really cool :)

The documentary followed them through their training, so it was interesting to see the different styles of training. And it followed them through the health expo, picking up their race packets, and preparing the night before a race. Its funny to see the different rituals runners go through before a race day :) When it got to the point where it was race day, they followed them through the race. It was so intense and emotional for me. From how hard those elite runners really work, to the first timers just trying to get to the finish line. It reminded me of my own first half marathon (I know only half right?) I ran earlier this year. I can remember every mile, what I was thinking, how I felt....and how I was such an emotional wreck the last mile! As tears rolled down my face, Grant says...did you like it? I said, I LOVED IT!!!

I think both runners and non runners could enjoy this film. I know its definitely re-inspired me :)

Losing Focus or Refocusing?

So its been exactly a month since I posted the entry, Ive Become That Girl. I feel like such a phony. I sure can talk the talk, but cant walk the walk. Seriously. I weigh exactly the same as I did when I posted that blog. I guess its time to ask myself why? What am I doing? What am I not doing? Im in denial. I think Im doing things right, but in reality Im not. Sure Im doing better than I was, and not gaining anymore weight. But thats not enough. Doing the minimum just isnt going to cut it. The scale and the way my clothes fit definitely are telling me that!

So am I losing focus again? Or am I ready to just adjust. Refocus and keep at it. I would like to think Ill refocus. I lose focus way to much, and need to put a stop to that. I feel like Ive blogged this before. One to many times actually.

So in attempt to refocus, I planned out weeks of workouts. I did end up signing up with Jazzercise, so now that I put money down Ill definitely be going there a few times a week. And looks like Ill have a running partner soon, which makes me nervous, but happy at the same time :) Im still debating on the step class. It starts the first week of November. If I can get a good deal I may sign up. Hopefully doing things that are fun, or meeting people to hold me accountable will give me that boost I need. Because clearly Im not able to do it with the way Im doing things!

Races always have motivated me to....so I think Ill look up some races to run. And Im asking my blog readers to give me some tough love. I think I need it. Time to put on the big girl pants, and stop whining! I will post progress pictures next month because there WILL BE progress!

Tag, Im it!

So I got tagged by Andrew (which I just learned Roder's real name by this tag game). What kind of tag do you ask? Well tag where I have to tell you 6 random facts or interesting things about myself.

I was tagged sometime last year, so lets make sure I don't give the same random 6 facts ;)

1. I have been held up by gun point twice in my life. I think that's one to many times! Once at a rave in really ghetto part of Detroit (I probably deserved it), and than when I was visiting a friend in Dallas. Friends I met online actually. LOL And we got robbed in the first hour of meeting each other. Bad luck? Maybe not. We helped put that guy in jail. He was known as the one eyed bandit, and was robbing people from Northern Dallas to Southern Dallas for 6 months! Everything happens for a reason ;)

2. I've always wanted to be an athlete. I played every single sport known in highschool, and sucked at every single one. I was the one the moms yelled at because I should have been benched. Damn sports moms. lol When I ran my half earlier this year, I finally felt like an athlete :)

3. I dont own one piece of makeup. Never have. I dont know how to apply it, and if I tried Id probably look like a clown. I guess my freckles are my makeup, theres enough of them! Although when I was about 13 I did try to steal a blush brush (is that what its called? that big fluffy brush? ), so I would look cool in front of my friends. I so got caught.

4. I have been going to school off and on since 1998 trying to finish my bachelors. Im probably only at a sophomore level. And wonder if I'll ever finish it. Its quite embarrassing actually. Especially when I practically can go for free. (Indian Tuition Waiver)

5. Heres a good one. I pretty much invented Bananas in Pajamas. You know the cartoon guys? I use to have these really bad dreams about them when I was a kid. They would chase me while wearing these crazy pjs. Wouldnt you know years later when I was in high school, that nightmare become reality. So my oh so great friends bought me the doll for Christmas.

6. One of my guilty pleasures is sending people cards. Im that person who goes into Hallmark and spends hours and hours picking out cards. I have a card organizer and have cards for every single occasion. Finding the perfect card is so satisfying :)

Give Step A Chance

So its been a trying week. It seems every month, the week of the anniversary of the day my dads passing, my depression sinks deeper. I know its coming, so I thought maybe I could better prepare for it this month. That didnt work out so well for me. Instead I found myself sitting on the couch in a daze from the time I got home from work, till the time I went to bed.

So a friend I carpool to work with asked me how my night was, did I get out for a run like I wanted to? And I hung my head in shame, and said no. It was another one of those days, if you know what I mean. She has seen me on those days, so she knew exactly what I meant. So she perked up and said, I have an idea. Why dont you come to yoga and step class with me tonight? I looked over at her and said, Step? At your level? I may just die if I do that. lol Than I thought, why not? I could use a workout beating. And have never tried an actual Yoga class. (Only dvds)

So I gave Step a chance. First the instructor had a great story. She joined the Y when she was overweight, and after being there for a year she lost enough weight that they wanted to do a success story on her. Than she started her certification to be an instructor, and now she is doing that as her full time job. She has that fit, healthy look that I strive for. Our body types were very similar to, so its always inspiration to see where people have been, and where they are now. She is a great instructor. She gave good instructions, especially for those of us that are a little slow. And she pushes your limits enough where you push above your threshold but not to hard, ya know?

This was a 60 minute class, so about halfway through I did glance over at my friend and said....damn you took me to exercise hell! It was a good hell though. I seriously havent worked out that hard probably ever. Or sweated that much either! I was able to keep up, so that was a bonus. There were a few hip skipping moves I couldnt catch on to, but for the most part hung in there. It made me feel like maybe I wasnt as out of shape as I thought I was :) I think all that walking Ive been doing really helped me legs out the next day to. lol When I was done, I felt fantastic! Seriously. I want that feeling every week. And that depression, well lets just say my world felt a little bit brighter that night and the next day :)

So now I want to sign up. Its a little pricey, the classes are an additional cost to the membership. So Im still crunching numbers to see if it fits into my budget. Another perk is I know that my friend will keep me accountable to keep going. She said Ill pick you up on the way every week. Nothing more accountable than someone sitting in your driveway waiting to pick you up. :p

So maybe Im not so opposed to group exercise as I thought I was.

Jazzercise

On Saturday I decided to try Jazzercise. The first class was free, so I figured why not try it out. I was a little nervous since for one I suck at group exercise. It takes me quite sometime to catch on to the moves. I swear sometimes I feel like I have two left feet. Also, stepping out of my comfort zone looking like a chubalub is not always fun. Lastly, I honestly thought it was going to be cheesy. But I was pleasantly surprised by the class.

There are all ages in the class, and all different fitness levels. And everyone was really friendly which made it even more relaxing. The classes are 60 minutes, and its a combination of dance, pilates, yoga, kick-boxing, and resistance training. It starts off with a little warm up, than you do cardio, strengthening, and stretching. All of this is done to Top 40's, country, jazz, and everything in between. Some moves felt silly, but they were fun. I could feel my heart rate pumping, and calories burning. :) And I did have two left feet, I was catching on to the moves by the end of each song. LOL I sweated quite a bit, and felt like I got a good workout in by the end. Im defintely feeling the burn today to. Although that could be due to not using these muscles for awhile. LOL

I just wonder if after a month or so, if it would be effective or not. If I would feel like its really pushing me to the fitness level I want. Its really hard to judge by just one class though. At this point any exercise is helpful though! Look at me talking about if it will push me to a certain fitness level, like Ive ever even been at that point before. lol

The location I went to, if you sign up you can go to two different facilities. Which has 2 different instructors at each location, so it would be mixed up a bit. And they do offer 3 different types of jazzercise. So they are running a special right now and Im going to give it a whirl. I figure its something I enjoy, and have fun doing...and it is a 60 minute workout. So why not. I can use heavier handweights as time goes on, so we will see how I feel about it in a few months. The special is for the rest of the year, and pretty cheap. So Ill reassess after that. If I still enjoy it, its on a month to month contract so its not like your locked in for a year or two.

Jazzercise..me? Who would of thunk?

Now besides that I had the most kickass run today. The kind of run where you feel like your gliding, and could run forever. It was a great way to clear my head with the recent events going on in my life. Its been a good weekend. :)

3 Day Season Coming To An End

First let me thank all of you for your wonderful comments on my last blog. I really appreciate the encouragement :)

So I walked in the Michigan Breast Cancer 3 Day this past weekend. It was probably my favorite walk so far. It was a really nice weekend honoring the memory of my dad and Dawn. Lots of tears, and I could feel some healing taking place. It was especially hard due to it being the same route as last year. So I could literally see my dad and Dawn standing at opening and closing cermonies, and the cheering stations where they were last year. But not only were they in those spots, but they were with me every step of the way. :) Michigan raised $7.2 million! The highest Michigan has ever raised! The people, the stories, the memories have inspired and motivated me. I get teary eyed thinking about the event!

I vowed to not walk next year. And was good about not signing up for 09 at camp. I know Im burning myself out, and will be planning my wedding next year so decided it would be best if I completely take a year off. But as the event was coming to an end on Sunday, I knew I had to be part of it next year. So Ill be signing up once I find the discount code, and wont be walking, but signing up to crew next year. I just have to be part of such an amazing event! I saw Jim at the end, and he is looking mighty trim I'll say. :)

While Im sad that my 3 Day Season has come to an end, I will admit Im really looking forward to getting in a more consistent routine. In all areas of my life. Im debating if Im going to join the community center again or not. I cancelled my membership while training for the 3 day because I just wasnt getting my moneys worth. A friend and I thought about joining the Fitness 19 by our house, so may go check that out. On Saturday Im actually going to check out the local Jazzercise center. heh The first class is free, and than you can decide if you want to join or not. I figure its something new, and if I find someone to meet there Ill feel accountable. We shall see. I am not really good at group exercise so not sure how it will work out.

Im slowly trying to get my eating under control. Its a hard thing to do after doing the 3 day. On top of that, my emotions have been all over the place again. My mother and I have had a very strained relationship since my dad passed. We have always had not so great relationship. And now that my dad is gone, there is no buffer between us. She has already started having "man friends". And she pulled a very selfish act this past weekend that I seriously cant even bring myself to type about. After that episode, I havent heard from her. But than I received a letter from her today in the mail that I wont go into details about. But I will say she is being very manipulative, selfish, and completely inappropriate. She informed me she is getting married. Its been almost 5 months since my dad passed, and 4 months since she met this man. While I do understand that she needs companionship, and is moving on with her life...its still very difficult. Especially when its being forced upon me when Im clearly not ready for it. I just wish she would put herself in my shoes for once, and realize I need time. Time to grieve. Time to heal. Than time to adjust. Sadly, I do think cutting ties with her for a little while is probably vital for my own mental well being. She is literally robbing me of my grieving and healing process. Everytime I start to feel like progress is being made, she drops some selfish bomb on me, and its all about her. Its causing a lot of anxiety and stress in my life. Its sad to feel like Ive lost both parents. Thankfully my future in laws have really stepped in lately. Im feel truly lucky to have them.

So the emotional eating is at an all time high, but Im trying my best to keep it in check. Just taking things one day at a time. With the advice of my therapist, Ive started to keep a thought journal on my eating patterns. Im learning how to identify when my thoughts are reality or fantasy. Its been an eye opener. Im looking forward to really grasping hold of my emotional eating.

Phew! Its been a rough 5 days. I think some downtime with the family is in order. Till next time FAT ;)

Ive become THAT girl...

that I said I would never become again. The girl that has no control over what she puts in her mouth. The girl that even though the weight keeps gaining, still continues to be destructive. The girl whose exercise is on the back burner. Well to an extent, I dont really consider walking, and my sporadic running days a good workout plan.

When did I become that girl again?

Seriously I dont know if Im just down a nasty path or what. Its like Ive giving up. I dont care. I cant find the motivation. I know what I need to do, yet I refuse to do it. I prefer to be unhealthy. Like I feel like punishing myself is acceptable. Its not. My dad dropped dead from a heart attack for goodness sakes. If anything I should be focusing on being healthy. But I cant. I cant dig far enough down to figure out why either.

So when I lost weight earlier this year, I donated my "fat" clothes. I said no way, no how, am I ever going to need these again. Nope. Not me. Well now my clothes are extremely tight, and its pretty nasty seeing me in them. So I attempted to go shopping today. So I can at least look presentable at work. Nothing sucks worse than feeling like a fat slob at work. Now I remember how bad it sucks to shop for clothes when your a bigger size. The thing is Im only one size bigger, but just that one size really is a huge difference. I have rolls in all the places I swore Id never see them again. Im disguisted with what I see. And I had no luck in finding clothes that fit.

I took some pictures hoping that would knock some sense in to me. Seriously, seeing myself like that should be some motivation. Nope. I took those pictures a week ago, and yet I still havent made any changes. What the hell is my problem?

Last year when I finished the 3 day, I said next year I will be in shape for the 3 day. I will be at a healthy weight, and I wont fear the pictures of the weekend. Guess what? Im heavier. I look like a roly poly. Im hoping for cooler weather so I can hide behind a long sleeve baggy shirt. Im fat AGAIN. How many times do I need to go through this?

*sigh*

I know Im in control. Only I can make these changes. I just wish it was more black and white on why I cant stay at a healthy weight. Why I have to continue this vicious cycle time and time again.

Okay Ill stop whining. Ill post these pictures for accountablity. And Ill post pictures every few weeks or so, so I continue to feel accountable. This is embarassing, and ugly. But it needs to be done. Because clearly I am out of control.



Ok, yeah. That sucked. Nice double chin Melis. So here I am, 163lbs. Which is about 20+ lbs heavier than when I was at my half marathon,which was the first weekend of May. So sad. I can only go down from here. Time to get a grip.

Finding my zen

Phew! Things have gotten really out of whack. Its amazing how fast things can trickle out of order. Its like a domino effect sometimes. While Im trying to find a routine that works best for me, its really seems to be quite the difficult task.

I got a promotion at work, which is a great thing :) But I hate not being great at what I do. Im such an overachiever and want to do the best I can. While I am doing the best I can with what I know, its not at that level where I want it to be. But it is a learning process, and once I get over that first learning curve Ill relax a bit. So its caused a bit of stress. And what does stress do to an emotional eater? You got it.

Thankfully Ive been keeping up with my workouts or Id probably of gained more weight. But Im just maintaining, which is still a lot heavier than I want to be. I need to buckle down on what Im eating. Seriously. Enough is enough. I feel like a broken record. I need to get in control of my emotional eating. I have learned how to handle emotional eating with my grief. This past week the grief has been pretty heavy actually (this weekend is coming up on 4 months since my dad passed), and Ive been able to avoid the binges. Ive been going to a grief support group, and it really has been a HUGE help. Ive learned a process on how to accept the grief. Before I couldnt even identify when its grief, but now I can. I identify it, allow it with a specific time frame, and when that time frame is up I dismiss it. And than I do an activity that is fun, positive, and healthy. Its almost common sense right? But doesnt feel so much like that when its happening. So why cant I apply this process or one similar to it when stress hits? Its pretty much the same concept. It just feels like a totally different ballgame with stress for some reason.

So Im trying to find my zen. Im working on the easier stuff first. The things I know I can get back in order. Ive been able to get the household back in a routine. We have had Rusty for over a month now. And hes adjusted well to the big dogs, as they have to him. I knew there would be an adjustment period, and sometimes I wish I had a third hand. But the process definitely moved a LOT faster than I expected. Im so glad hes here with us. Having them on a schedule is definitely helping me. Even their playtime seems to be the same time everyday. LOL My LS business has been slow, so I have had time to organize my office. And also been able to keep up on the house chores! Its amazing how when things around you get organized how better you feel. Now matter how chaotic your day is...when you come home to a clean, organized space...its like tranquility. Ive started to do more consistent things non exercise related for me as well. Like reading, listening to music, cooking (shhh, dont tell Grant about that one), photography, etc. Things that make me happy, and help me feel centered again. I can feel the zen coming back.....I feel it so close.

Now to put a plan together on this stress emotional eating......

The Boston 3 Day

The Boston 3 Day was awesome! Ive been so busy since Ive gotten back that I havent had a chance to blog about it. I know I can ramble so Ill try to not make this into a novel. :p

Traveling definitely caused a little bit of chaos in the beginning of the weekend. We got to drop off our gear bags the night before and I didnt grab any of my rain gear. And wouldnt you know mother nature blessed us with rainstorms on that first day. As we started off one the first day the rain clouds definitely were hoovering over us. And as soon as we started walking, we got hit with some heavy rain. It only lasted 3 miles, but boy did I wish I had my rain coat, or even a poncho. About 2 miles in a crew member was passing out garbage bags, and it worked just as great. Kept me warm to! The rain was so hard that I had to take off my glasses, and couldnt see very well. So it was an interesting start. LOL

After those first 3 miles it cleared up and was pretty decent weather most of the day. We walked 18 miles this day, and I felt pretty good all the way through. As we hit the last leg of 3 miles, I noticed some dark rain clouds hoovering over us. Sure enough the rain started to come again. This time we had ponchos :) It was torrential downpour. The streets and sidewalks were flooded. And at one point we were walking on the shoulder so the cars were splashing us. Local businesses, and even neighbors were offering their porches, houses, garages for safety. But I know if we stopped we wouldnt be able to finish. So we kept on going. It was actually kind of fun :) We got into camp and were rushed into a school for safety. It was starting to lightening and thunder at that point. We were welcomed with towels, and a badge of honor, a I survived the storm pin! Pins and stickers are such a big thing on the 3 day. :) Turned out that there were storms rolling in all night, so we got to sleep inside the school that night. Unfortunately the hallway we got stuck in had emergency fluorescent lights. Thank goodness for my bandanna or I might not have gotten any sleep!

We woke up Saturday morning to a beautiful day! The sun was shining, the temps were in the low 80's and the humidity was low. Perfect weather! The route on day 2 was amazing. We walked through suburbs, a golf course, parks, and nature trails. I loved it! My feet were a bit tender from the rain, so a blister popped up. And grew pretty big. But nothing good blister care couldnt take care of. We walked 22 miles this day, and arrived into camp about an hour later than the first day. We set up camp, ate dinner, showered, watched the entertainment, and called it a night at 9pm.

The Boston 3 day has these kids helping out, the Youth Corps. These kids are amazing. Thisgroup is made up of 20 kids between the ages of 10-15 years old. They have to apply to be in the Youth Corp. Fill out an application, write an essay on why they want to be part of the 3 day, get interviewed, and than fundraise $400. Only 20 get picked each year. And they get to camp with us, and are there helping at camp, pit stops, cheering on walkers, etc. Its really awesome to see them in action. And their fundraising reached over $20,000! These kids are doing amazing things! Most of them actually walk once they hit 16 to! They got to introduce themselves and why they want to be part of the 3 day, and almost all of them have lost a family member to breast cancer. I hate this disease!

On the last day, the sun was blazing and we walked in it most of the day. Last year I had one injury, sunburnt lips, so I kept applying sunscreen to my lips and everywhere else. Some how I didnt do a good job because my lips had sun poisoning. They swelled out 3 times their size! I looked like I had lip injections. lol This day was physically the hardest for me to. The Boston hills (which according to the natives werent even "real" hills) were starting to make my calves ache.So I was at a much slower pace. Than blisters started to pop up everywhere! Lots of first aid care on this day. But we only had 15 miles and the cheering stations, and people all along the route made the day much easier. We also walked along some beautiful beaches! Cant get that view in Michigan :) They threw in some crosstraining for us at mile 58, stairs! lol Although it felt good to move different muscles. We finished off the walk at U Mass. A really great location, what a beautiful campus. Shortly after finishing we all lined up, and headed into closing ceremonies and heard a pretty emotional closing speech.

1900 walkers, 300 crew members, $5.1 million raised! Amazing.

Here are some pictures if you like to check them out...

http://picasaweb.google.com/cajaya/BostonBreastCancer3Day2008

Im so glad I did it. It was fun to go to a different city and experience it from the Boston point of view. It has similarities to Michigan, but at the same time was very different. I felt pretty decent when I was done. Wasnt even sore on Monday. But I can defintely say last year I was more on top of my training game. Maybe I got a little cocky from last year, and lacked a little bit to much on the training than I should have. Im still pushing out the miles though. Michigan is in 3 weeks, and Im so geeked that I get to experience the 3 day all over again!

P.S. So I guess you can really tell how bad my brain is scattered lately by this post. lol Im all over the place on this blog. Sorry! lol

Im so excited....

I leave in the morning for the Boston Breast Cancer 3 Day. I cant believe its already here! Its really setting in now, and Im super duper excited. We have really pumped out the training in the last 6-8 weeks, so we shall see how my body reacts out on the walk. I probably wont feel as great as I felt last year...but Im sure Ill survive :) It is going to be a blast!

Rob and Jim you ready for Michigan?! :)

Things have been going okay my way. While Im still struggling with the whole healthy lifestyle as in dealing with my emotions without food, I have made progress. Its a slow process, but its moving forward so thats always great. A group of my friends and I all pitched in and we are doing one of those biggest loser challenges for 8 weeks. We all pitched in $15 to participate. Its similar to the challenges we did on here. The one who loses the most percentage wins the pot. The pot you ask? $510!!!! If that isnt motivation, I dont know what is. Im in second place right now :) I know this week will be off since it is the 3 day, and most likely Ill gain. But Ill be back at it when I get home, and hopefully take first. I so could use that money!

I havent been doing much but walking since Im training for the 3 day. But I hope to implement some weight lifting when I get back in town. Im really looking forward to October because I plan on starting to run again. Ive been itching for that runners high for quite sometime now. Its the only exercise that keeps me focused, and motivated!

Grant and I are OBSESSED with the Olympics. Seriously, we cant pry ourselves away from the coverage. Good thing for tivo so we arent actually sitting and watching all fricken day and night. Its been inspirational to watch those athletes. Michael Phelps....damn that man is a machine! I cant help but jump up and down everytime he competes. :) Its really lit a fire in me to get back on the horse and continue what I started. Ive really started to question my commitment to fitness, and just my healthy lifestyle in general. Im so committed to other things in my life...Grant, my family, work, The 3 Day, etc. So why am I lacking in my commitment to a healthy lifestyle? Treating a healthy lifestyle is just as important as I treat everything else I am commit to. So time to put my words to action. I know what my faults are, I know why I do what I do, now its time to REACT. Stop thinking, and start doing.

First I have to survive the weekend. Which I will. Stay tuned for pictures and 3 day coverage. :)

P.S. Brian, thanks for that Bella picture you posted for me in your journal many moons ago. I go back to it from time to time when Im feeling down. It works everytime :) Give her kisses from her Aunt Melissa :)

Surround Yourself Around Positivity

That is what Ive been trying to do. Ive taken note that grieving is a one step forward, two step back process. When Im having a good day, I know a few bad days will follow. Its just how the cycle has been. But if Im surrounding myself around positivity than I can at least make those bad days a little bit better. Last week was like a 6 step back kind of week. Probably the hardest week since he passed. I really struggled through the week to try to not fall into the depression hole. I decided to go out and meet some other 3 day walkers for a training walk on Saturday. Best decision I made all weekend. Its like positivity to the extreme. Even though it was raining on us through the entire 3 hour walk, we didnt care. We shared ideas, experiences, and excitement for the upcoming 3 day. Its just what I needed. Unfortunately the rain and wet feet gave me a few blisters, but it was bound to happen sooner or later.

And the cycle repeated itself today. Great day yesterday, not so great day today. I allowed some sadness, but than joined Grant in cooking dinner and my mood brightened. I tried to not put all my focus on the sadness in my heart, but redirect some of those emotions on the connection I was having with Grant. I can definitely say theres been an improvement on how Im handling my emotions.

I can also gladly say the scale is moving in the right direction again. The house literally had no food in it, so Grant and I did a intense grocery shopping session yesterday. Preparation has always been a key to success with me. So Im going back to the basics. Preparing for each day, and being consistent. I simply just want to make sure Im doing something active everyday. And working towards one small goal each day. Ive need to take one day at a time, since that is how Im handling the rest of my life.

Im happy to say, this has been one of my better weekends. Speaking of preparation, I better go prepare for my Monday :)

My Own Worse Enemy

Well hello there FAT. I think it may be in my best interest to start blogging again. Im not sure what I want nor need right now. One thing was clear to me today, I have to stop falling down this fast slippery downward slope Im on. I have let myself slip away. It has been 45 days since my dad has died. And I have managed to pack on 20 lbs in that short time period.

20 lbs! Seriously Melissa. I know better than this. Yet I cant control it. I keep shoveling food in my mouth like its going out of style. Some days I come home from work, take a nap, wake up and eat for two hours while watching bad tv, and than retire to bed. Some days Ill throw along a few beers in that mix just to make going to bed a little easier. I know what Im doing. Im completely aware of it. I dont do anything to stop it. Not one thing.

While today I didnt do an actual workout, I did do something different. I started my normal routine of heading to the bedroom for an after work nap. I laid there for a minute and said, no you need to do something else. So I got up and decided to clean. My house is a mess. With the shedding the dogs are doing, it needed a good cleaning. So I did just that. 2 hours of cleaning, and threw in bathing the dogs to. It was nice to be moving around. Its a start. I couldnt shove food in my mouth while doing that, so thats a plus.

These rainy days arent helping. My dad loves the rain. We would sit on the porch and just listen to the rain. The rain also derails my 3 day training. Im a wimp and wont go walk in the rain alone. Jen, my friend that is doing the 3 day with me is out of town for another week or she would have me out there in the rain. Gosh I could really use her this week. The Boston 3 Day is in 8 weeks! Insane how fast it snuck up. I feel totally undertrained, but am not to worried about it. I know once Jen gets back in town we will be back to a regular scheduled plan, and knock out the next 8 weeks strong. I think I need that right now.

So blogging it will be. I need some sort of accountability of all the negative things Im doing to myself right now. Im 15lbs away from my highest weight ever. Thats completely unacceptable, even with the events that has happened in my life.

Hiatus

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know Im taking a hiatus from the blogging world for awhile. Didn't want to disappear for awhile and have ya'll think Im one of those F.A.T.er lost in cyber world ;)

My dad passed away early Monday morning from a heart attack. So my life has defintely been flipped upside down. So taking some time to grieve, figure things out, support the family, etc.

Stay Strong Fat. Ill be in touch.

Flying Pig Half Marathon

I did it! I completed my first half marathon. And I beat my goal by 5 minutes!!! This may be long, so hope you can stick out the read. ;)

The weather was absolutely perfect. Temps were in the lower 60's, and the sun was shining. Perfect day for a race! We got down to the start around 6am, and I lined up at the 2:30 pace and Alli went and lined up at the 4:00 pace.

The 6:30 start came, and nothing was starting. We all were squeezed in like sardines, and were all glancing at our watches. Than a girl in front of me told me how there was a fire and the race was starting 15 minutes late. So we stood around, and I started to get really antsy.

6:45 I hear the gunshot, and we were off. I started off slow, and had to remind myself to stay slow. The first leg we ran over two bridges connecting between Ohio and Kentucky. I started to peel off one of my layers, and I could definitely feel the sweat building up from those hills. I could hear Allis dad in my head from dinner the night before, Take your time with those hills, your in this race for you, Just Take It Slow :) Alli's family is from Michigan, so he knew that our hills were like dirt piles compared to the hills in Cincinnati! I knew that these little rolling hills were nothing compared to what was ahead. So took it slow and took some good deep breaths. The scenery on these bridges was just awesome. And on one of the bridges a guy next to me saw we taking pictures of the scenery and offered to take my picture while I ran. :) Only I would be running and taking pictures right? lol

They had hydration stops every mile, but it was after mile 3 when I took my first water station, so I walked through that since Im not coordinated enough to run and drink. And off I went again. Around Mile 5 there was TONS of fans. It felt like the 3 day! I thought our friend Adriena was there somewhere but I had no idea what she looked like. (we have met online) lol People were yelling Go Melissa! since I had my name on my bib. So I knew Id never figure out who she was. But enjoyed the encouragement from everyone else :) The crowd support was absolutely AMAZING!

I hit another water station after that and shot blocked with that, and than came upon Mile 6. I thought theres your 10k, only 7 miles to go. This was also where "the Climb started". I could feel a small pain in my foot, but just ignored it, and focused on what looked like the hill from hell. I looked up and said, holy shit.

2.5-3 miles all uphill, about a 300 ft incline. Yeah.

It was like you got to what you thought was the the top, and than it went to your right, and up, than to the top of that, and than you went left and up even more. But I ran up the whole thing, and felt pretty amazing when I got up it! I slowed down a bit to catch my breath, but thought damn melissa, look at you go! Near the top, we were at Eden Park , and it was quite a beautiful scenery especially with the sun shining. I stopped and took a few pictures. :)

And I took full advantage of walking through the water stops between the bottom of the climb and the top of it. I Gatorade and watered. I was feeling good hydration wise. While others around me did not look so great. :(

Before I realized it, I saw the sign, Half Marathon to the left, Full Marathon to the Right. Im at mile 9. Look at that. Only 4 miles to go! And I have to say it did feel like a great run. Just as my last 10 mile training run went. But shortly after that thought, is when I had to really play the mental game. While I enjoyed the neighborhood we ran through, I was starting to struggle mentally. It was like one minute I was like sweet, this is great. And than next minute I was thinking, this is the longest mile ever, what did I get myself into! This part started downhill so I had to remember to not get carried away or knew Id start to have knee pain. I felt two blisters forming, one on each foot, right on the ball. Ironically, Alli just asked me the night before how my feet did in training, and I said great! Apparently the buddha wasnt on my side on that one, was he? lol So to keep my mind off the negative critical talk, I searched for the Newton Faulkner tracks. Dream Catch Me - it felt like Grant was with me, and than People Should Smile More, which is my favorite song.

The songs definitely helped! During Mile 9-12, I took each mile by mile and utilized every water station I hit. I said, your at 10 girl. Keep it going. Mile 11, you have never ran this far yet! All these miles were still downhill, and sometimes you wonder if thats better or worse! Than we ran out to which felt the wrong direction, but than did another turn around, and I knew we were coming close to an end. So than I saw the sign, I hit mile 12. I said 1 more mile...you got this! This was the longest mile ever, but I also got a second wind at this point. My legs felt strong, and my body felt great! We rounded a corner and I thought is this it? Than I could hear announcers. And than I saw the gates on the sides. It was divided into two, one side for half, and one side for the full. And I could see the Mile 13 sign. At that point I lost it. The last 6 months was played back in my head, and the tears started. I remember that first day I started the Couch to 5K program, and all the races Ive ran since than. Than I heard, GO MELISSA!!!!! I looked and knew it was Adrienne. I waved and ran right across the finish feeling stronger than ever.

2:25:47

Amazing.

What a great experience. Im so glad I did it, and picked such a challenging course as my first half. The hills just made it so much more rewarding. I only walked through the water stations, and was able to conquer those hills! And still come in under 2.5 hours. Such an empowering feeling. I cant wait till my next one :)

I still cant believe it, I ran my first half marathon :) Running was one of the best things Ive ever decided to do in my life. Hands Down.

Exciting Things Happening

Life is so good right now. Each day is bringing on a new adventure, and I am truly blessed with everything. First why am I up at 7am?Because I couldnt sleep due to the excitement. Im running in my first half marathon tomorrow! Im heading out in a few hours to Cincinnati. Unfortunately, Grant is not able to go down with me. Im really bummed about it, but trying to make the best of the situation. Im staying with my friend Alli, who is running the full. So I know we will still have a blast. Grants hooked up with the text messages of my progress during the race though :)

Is it possible to be so excited that you feel like you might puke at any moment? Im pretty much at that point. I feel as ready as Im going to be, but am freaking a little bit about the challenging course. Which is hills, hills, hills. Ill reach the highest part of the hills around mile 10. Than its downhill. Maybe Ill just roll into the finish line. LOL All I have to keep remembering is that Im running this race for ME, and ME only. My goal is to finish, and most importantly HAVE FUN!

We had an awesome vacation in Arizona two weeks ago. It was just what I needed! It was my birthday, so it was like a week long birthday vacation. What more can you ask for? We stayed at this amazing resort, in Carefree, AZ. We went on a hot air balloon ride, got massages, hiking, shopping, relaxing by the pool, and horseback riding. I want to go back..better yet move there! Its so much more laid back, and beautiful! How can you be grumpy when walking out your front door and seeing mountains! The hiking is awesome....and what a great place to live to maintain an active lifestyle :)

In other news, on the night we got back from Arizona we had a concert to go to at St. Andrews Hall in Detroit. We were going to see Newton Faulkner. Great show by the way :) St. Andrews Hall was the first place Grant told me he loved me about 7 years ago. During one of the romantic songs, Dream Catch Me, he asked me to sit down with him, and than he gave a wonderful
speech about how romantic of a week it had been, and now we are at the first place he said he loved me. And than down on one knee he went, and asked me to marry him!!!!!! I didnt see that coming at all! Everything about that proposal was absolutely perfect. A perfect ending to a pretty perfect week.

I couldn't be happier to spend the rest of my life with this man. Our relationship had evolved into such a beautiful thing, and it just keeps growing so much stronger. I cant wait to see what the future brings us!

Exciting stuff going on in my life :) Well I have to shower and hit the road. Stay tuned for the race report when I get back.

Spring

is officially here! Im so happy and embrace it with open arms. So one thing that comes with Spring is Spring cleaning. Over the last week, Grant and I have did some serious Spring cleaning. Im so exhausted from it! It needed to be done. If you could just see all the items we pitched you would be surprised. I would say 40 bags of trash defintely is somewhat of a workout :)

My running has been going okay. My half is in 18 days, so all I do lately is run, eat, sleep, and work. I have been watching the foods I chose to eat, but am not limiting my calories. I need the fuel right now. So not paying so much attention to the weight loss but how Im feeling physically. Im feeling pretty great in that area, and my legs are looking pretty good these days as well :) Im not lifting as much as Id like, but think I can focus more on that once my race is over. It also feels pretty nice to not have to wear layers when I got out for my runs :)

Grant and I leave for vacation on Monday. We are heading to Carefree, AZ. Its a work trip for Grant but his boss has paid for me to go. Sweet eh? Grant is only working a few hours each day so its not like he will be gone 8 hours. We are both looking forward to this time together. And the spa treatment that his boss is paying for us to get. Couples massage, oh I can feel it now :) It will be nice to get some runs with the beautiful scenery there. And it looks like our schedules are jam packed from next week till the end of May. Being busy is good, keeps me on track :)

Meteor 10k

Last Saturday I ran in my first 10k, The Meteor 10k. It had to be the most fun race I ever ran it, and I rocked it :)

First the weather was PERFECT! It was about 39 degrees, and the sun was shining so it felt like it was probably low 50's. I had to pick up my race packet before the race, since that was the only time it was allowed. So when I got there the line was pretty long. But 5 minutes in line, they started a new line for #300 and up, so that was me. :) So only 10 minutes in line for that. I still had a good 30 minutes till race time. So I went back to the car, and dropped my stuff off. And wandered around for a few.

Soon it was time to line up, I lined up probably at the halfway point. I didnt want to get ran over, so tried to stay more towards the back and off to the side. And off we went. As I turned on my ipod I realized I grabbed bad headphones. The ones I normally wear always fall out of my ears, so I grabbed some other ones. One of the ear buds didnt work. Dang it! But one ear bud working is better than none ;)

I felt I started off at a good pace, and tried to find my rhythm. It was weird because we did a 1 mile loop at the beginning so passed the start line again. Than we routed out to a main road. At mile 1 I was on target for a 10 minute mile. Which is what I maintained on my last race. I still felt pretty good. Mile 2 and 3 were still on the main road, so the scenery wasnt that great. Lots of gawkers in cars. lol I was around 10 - 11 minute miles through those 2 miles. Than after mile 3 we started to go downhill into a bike path/park. I gained some speed there, and just went with it. I literally was just gliding at that point. It felt great! I liked running on the bike path, and it felt familiar. This was part of the 3 day route last year! :)

We reached a water station around mile 3.5, so I walked through that. And than started back up and was a little winded at first but found my rhythm. Mile 4 was the turnaround ( it did feel like a far out for a turnaround) and I noticed I was around 40 minutes although I felt I was going much slower. Sweet! After the turnaround I felt a burst of energy in me, and I kicked it up a notch. My legs were just moving and I was feeling pretty fantastic. At mile 5 I started to get excited and kicked it up another notch. I was really making some good strides at this point. Than a steep hill came up. I so remember this on the 3 day to, this is the exact spot where I realized I had walked 55 miles and felt fantastic. I smiled and said, well here I go. I shortened my strides, and jogged right up that hill like it was nothing. I was a bit winded at the top so slowed down a bit to catch my breath. Glanced at my watch, and said holy crap, could I finish in an hour? I sure could, so went back to the speed I was at before the hill. I did start to choke a bit on my spit. I think I was breathing to hard and dry mouth and it caused choking or something. I have heard of people chewing gummies or something?

Anyhoo, there was one more tiny hill, and the downhill felt nice. Now I could see the finish line, about quarter mile, or maybe a half mile left. A safety woman said now is your time to pass your almost there. I said it sure is, and started sprinting. My strides felt great, and I actually felt like a runner! I pushed it to the end and crossed the finish line around 1:00:40

Later that afternoon they posted the times on runmichigan.com, and I did better than I thought. 1:00:05, my pace was 9:41, and I finished 38th out of 84 in my age group. Overrall 361 out of 713.

What an awesome day.

Im glad I was able to run this race. The half Im running in a few weeks is pretty hilly. I havent had a chance to run to many hills since my neighborhood is relatively flat. So getting in some hills defintely was good practice. Ill know how to pace myself on the hills a little bit better, rather than going in blindsided.

I am so proud of myself. I truly can see the difference in my fitness level, and endurance. I am starting to feel comfortable in running, and am really excited for my half.

Wow Im really going to run in this half marathon. Life is good. :)

Seriously....

its back!!!! I wonder if I can publish posts...lets see shall we :)

Growth

So today a friend brought to my attention how proud she is of me on how Ive grown. I guess I sort of seen it but didnt really give it the recognition it deserves. So I will right now :)

Its been a trying week, and Ive been hit with some personal stuff that is stressing me out to the max. This usually would cause a down spiral of eating and drinking. While I have let things control my moods lately, the one thing I can absolutely stay in control of is what goes in my body and what I do with my body. So today when I got home I did something I normally dont, I told myself no. I will admit it was hard. I really wanted to just take a nap, and eat something fried, or something sweet...I even told myself go ahead you will feel better. And than I thought...feel better for a second, but later Ill feel like shit. So I vented a little to a friend, and than decided to put on my running shoes and get out in the sun. Ironic how I asked for nice weather and today it was nice out. I must be in good with mother nature. Ill put in a word for all of you guys to ;)

So I got in my run (which was not the most pleasant task), and guess what? It worked. When I got home I was in a much better mood, and felt more positive. Im sure Grant was pleased with that decision since he has been dealing with the monster of mood swings Ive been having lately. So we cooked dinner, watched American Idol, and wouldnt you know....my night has definitely turned around :)

It feels good to be able to make smart decisions like the one I did today. Sometimes I wonder if Im making progress, because it feels more less than more. But today I guess I did prove to myself, I am making healthier changes. Who would of thought me, Miss Queen of addictions, would use exercise..running at that, as a stress reliever. :)

Workout: 4.5 miles - 51:39 (struggles on my run today, couldnt find my groove)


Calories: 1925

B: Oatmeal w/ cranberries, sausage link
S: Banana
L: Subway Turkey & Cheese w/ bacon, Baked BBQ chips
S: Banana, Reeses 100 calorie wafer bar
D: 2 scrambled eggs, 4 turkey sausage links, 2 pcs of multigrain bread

Accountablity

So yeah, this definitely is going to whip me in shape. I can already tell that the blogging what I eat is going to help. I passed on a few things today that if I didnt have to announce I ate them, I would have probably indulged. I had some horrible woman pains, (trying to keep it clean for the boys), so normally would want to eat everything in sight but didnt. Yay for that. But the pains were a little to intense so did not workout. I was going to run outside but the winds were insane. So that makes Monday and Tuesday no workout days. Which means I will workout the rest of the week. So bring it Melis. Bring it.

Calories: 1754 - cutting it close!

B: English Muffin w/ Peanut Butter, Oatmeal
S: Banana
L: Subway 6 inch Turkey and Cheese w/bacon
S: Lays Baked BBQ Chips
D: Lasagna w/ 2 pcs of multi grain bread
S: Reeses 100 calorie Peanut Butter Wafer Bar

I definitely need more protein, and fat. I never have felt nutrition is my strong point, so maybe Ill learn a few things during the next month.

Im really really itching for Spring. While I dont mind running in the cold, its getting old. And the wind and snow arent really helping. I have 6 weeks till my half marathon and was hoping to get all my running outside from now on. Its like Spring keeps peeking its head out but just for a tease. I promise Ill be outside and enjoying you Spring, please please come play with me :)

Day 1

So Im glad Carrie suggested this little challenge, I really need something like this. I can only benefit from it! On that note, I am short on time so just a short blog tonight.

I did not get any workout in. I went straight from the day job to the night job. So just got home and ate dinner at a very late hour. I am starting to track my food again, because I need to feel accountable for one, and it black and white, its staring me at the face if Im doing what Im not suppose to be doing.

Starting Weight: 149.5

Food for today:

B: Yogurt
S: Chex Mix
L: Tuna on lettuce, carrots/celery
S: Cheddar Popcorn
D: Lasagna w/ multiigrain bread

As you can see, I need some work. I came in at 1700 calories, and had 96 ounces of water.

I have been eating junk, and drinking tons of pop lately, so cutting out pop and no fried foods is my goal this week. So goals for this challenge are:

• A new mini goal each week
• Workout 5 days out of the week
• Eat under 1800 calories a day

Just keeping it simple. Grant and I are actually going on vacation to Arizona in April, so the challenge will end right around there. Id love to be in a size smaller than I am now :)

Corktown St. Patricks Day 4 Mile Race

I love that feeling you get from running a race. I ran in the Corktown St. Patricks Day 4 Mile race this past Sunday. The weather was a bit chilly, and the wind was in full force but that didnt stop all the people coming out. Im not sure of the final count but Im sure there was well over 2000 runners. I do have to say the event was very disorganized. I registered at Total Running beforehand, but still stood in line for 40 minutes to get my chip the morning of the race. And from what I hear they ran out of chips and tshirts. The line of people registering that morning were actually done before those that preregistered.

Anyhoo, the sun left for the race which was a bummer. But as soon as we started running I warmed up. When I crossed the start line I noticed there wasnt a pad, so apparently the chip was only timed at your end time. Well I was 3/4 of the way back in the pack, but if I would of known that the start wasnt timed I may have tried to get closer to the front. I did wear my stop watch, so started it up as soon as I crossed the start line. I used my good ol stop watch in my last 4 mile race because we didnt have chips.

The route was a nice route, it ran through downtown Detroit. We started at old Tigers Stadium, looped around Campus Martius, than ran by Comerica Park (one of my favorite spots), and looped back and we ended at an old Michigan Central train station. Everyone was decked out in their St. Pattys gear, they were pretty entertaining. Along with everyone along the route. There was a parade shortly after the race so the streets were packed.

I kept a pace of 10 minute for each mile, and was pretty pleased with that. Every mile was marked so I kept checking my time with my stop watch. It was a pretty nice run, very comfortable. I found my zone and my feet just glided :) I wasnt sure how that would go due to the drinking I partaked in the night before. lol I did run into a few mishaps - around mile 3 the wind started to blow in my face, so that wasnt to much fun. And I had some side stitches I had to work though. Damn those things are a bitch. I thought I was over those things by now! But I kept on trucking along. I crossed the finish line at 41:37, but my faithful ol stop watch said 39:49 which was more accurate. Which means I shaved 51 seconds off my last 4 mile race time! I was pretty stoked :)

And you have to love a race that passes out beer at the end ;) This race was definitely the motivation I needed. Especially since Im hitting my halfway mark in my training. Its pretty amazing how I compare my first 5k, to this race. I have come so far, and it feels pretty awesome :) Next up is my 10k on April 5th, Im excited for it!

Fighting Back

So things are still pretty much the same as they were last post. Still fighting the small things everyday. Still trying to gain control. I have been just trying to take each day and each hour as it comes. Seems easy right? I wish it was. My food definitely is on an up and down roller coaster, and slowly Im grasping it. But seem to be easily derailed. I have been consistently exercising,but its not really up to the standards that I like. But I have been doing it even when I can find fifty other things Id rather be doing.

Ive also been trying to find things that will motivate me. Things that bring my mood up. Things that will boost my self confidence. So Ive buried myself into my running book lately, and its definitely sparked some motivation in me. I also signed up for the Corktown St. Pattys Run that is tomorrow. Now my runs this week have been so bad, so I could of easily said no. But yesterday I went and registered at the running store and my parents are going to tag along with me. Theres a fun parade afterwards and they are suckers for that kind of thing. :p So even though I dont think my running is up to par lately, I know running in that race will be nothing but a positive feeling. Also running in that race will help me lay off the booze tonight which I feel has been another big problem. Nothing but empty calories. We are heading to Grants bosses house for the annual work St. Pattys day party. This guy has a Irish Pub in his basement, seats 20 people. Its pretty awesome if you ask me :)

I decided to take the day off from working out today and save my energy for tomorrow. According to my training plan that is actually what I should be doing, but on the plan tomorrow calls for running a 5k. My run is a 4 mile race, so I hope I can at least get the time I got on my last 4 mile race I did on NYE.

I got some ink done today, but due to lack of time only got in two hours. The flower is colored. My next session should be my last, she thinks roughly 3 hours. But she cant get me in till May. Boohoo!

Struggling

Well its been two weeks since my last blog. I have sat down a few nights this past week to blog but really couldnt think of anything to type about. I have been pretty busy with work, and than I went out of town last weekend. I went to Tampa with a bunch of girlfriends. This was the group of girls I met online at www.ediets.com, 5 years ago. So considering how we all met, we kept each other in pretty good check. All of us even went for a run one of the mornings :)

Sadly, my weight is creeping up. I even saw the 150's this weekend. This is not good. I just dont know where my will power is at this point. I have great moments and than I have not so great moments. Its like I cant stay on track if my life depended on it right now. Im trying to figure out why and I just dont know. I know what I have to do, but dont do it.

I have connected with someone who is doing the half I am doing, and I think that is going to help. Accountability is always a benefit. She is getting me really excited for the event to :)

Like Kristen, DEMF has always been a goal date for me. Of course I want to look hot. :) So let the countdown begin. DEMF 06 I topped at 175lbs, and DEMF 06 I was at 160lbs, so DEMF 08 Im hoping to be around 135lbs. So I have 11 weeks to bring it. Roughly that is around 15lbs. Totally doable, and I can do this.

Energy

I could use some right now. I have felt so drained for the last couple weeks and I just wish I could muster up some energy. Although Ive never had mono, Im sure this is what it feels like. I seriously am awake maybe 10 hours a day. That would be the hours Im at work. Grant has had to force me pretty much out of bed to eat dinner. Its getting ridlicious and Im so over this. I did make an appt to get bloodwork done, but Im sure it will be the same ol story. My thyroid levels are normal, and they seem to think its in my head that Im tired all the time. Unfortunately recently I caught a really bad sinus infection so that kicked me on my ass for a few days as well. Something else Im so over - WINTER!

The scale jumped last week higher than what I started with at the beginning of the month. But from what Ive been putting in my mouth it is not a surprise. Ive been out of control. Its been interesting reading Robs blog lately because we are so identical. I know my food issues are a lot deeper than Im acknowledging. I have taking in consideration of going to talk to someone about this. I think it will be beneficial for me. Although Ive always had some food issues, I think now that Im drinking less the food issues are more red flagged. Either way the issue has been on my mind, and Ive been trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward. Im tired of the struggle with food. And want to be healthy but not sure how to get there.

On the workout front - I have been working out. Not consistently but still getting them in where I can. I should force myself more because it would give me a little more energy. I did sign back up at the community center so that has been helpful. And I picked up the book, The New Rules of Lifting for Woman, and have been interested by the read. Im hoping to try a workout from the book in the next week or two.

Same old story on this blog. I feel like I waste your time reading this crap. Im trying to remain positive and not let negative talk take over my head....but its been a daunting task. I just wish stuff would click, but it doesnt seem to be happening. I need a different avenue because what Im doing just isnt working....

Buddha Tattoo - First Session

So this is going to be another non fitness blog, but I have to share this with you :-) I promise fitness blogs this weekend. So my first session was yesterday of my buddha tattoo. I decided to get a half sleeve of a buddha head on top of a lotus flower. Why this design? Thought you would never ask :)

As some of you read in my previous blog, its been quite a journey Ive been on. The growth Ive made over the last year is amazing. I wanted to get a tattoo to mark this time in my life. At first I wasnt sure if I want to do the arm tattoo or something else. Ive been researching on what I can get for quite sometime, but nothing was like I HAVE TO HAVE THAT. Until I saw a reference of a buddha head looking down at a lotus flower. The symbolization of this was right on key of what I was trying to represent. The Lotus flower really represents my journey. They are found in water. They germinate at the bottom of a pond – in the muck and mud – and grow toward the surface and the light. When they emerge at the surface, they flower. Such a good meaning for someone whose gone through and overcome a hard time. Lotus flowers also can be viewed as the perfection of beauty and a symbol of spirtual growth. The Buddha represents being awaken, enlightment, and just really living life the way "the buddha does" . Do good on to others, and others will do good on to you. And act in positive ways, and positive things will happen! Shall I say, Karama? :)

I just love the serenity of the buddha above the flower. Its like the storm is over and its centers me to where my peace is. When I went for my consultation I said maybe my arm, and as she designed it out with me, and suggested a half sleeve...I knew that was the best place. When I get down and have those bad days...I can glance at my arm and remember where Ive been, and where I want to be.

So yesterday I got to the tattoo shop around 1:30, and when she showed me the stencil I got a huge grin, and said it looks awesome. It was to big so she had to scale it down a little bit. So we started around 2. Its from my elbow to the top of my shoulder and there are a few very tender spots like in the crack of my arm where you get blood taking. And in my armpit fat. So those hurt during the outline. But the outline was nothing compared to the shading! I forgot how painful tattoos are. It has been 10 years. And my longest tattoo was only 1 hour. This may be my last :p

We went for 3 hours. She finished the outline and asked how I was feeling. I said we can try some shading..Im feeling maybe about a 5 in pain. So she did some of the black and gray shading. OMG. It felt like she was scrapping to my bone. It hurt like a bitch! But I stuck it out. I was getting antsy towards the end so she was trying to talk less and work faster. At least it felt like it. We got a good portion of the shading done. I looked in the mirror and just fell in love. It exactly what I wanted and I cant wait till its done. She thinks maybe 2 more sessions depending on how the next session goes.

She is so into this tattoo which makes it so much better. Shes taking a buddha art history class right now so she was telling me about everything she has learned. And she kept thanking me for allowing her to do this tatttoo and how its going to be a great addition to her portfolio. Shes awesome. Im glad I found her. She was even impressed with how long I lasted. I was impressed with myself to tell you the truth!

So she wants to put a light coming through the flower and shinging behind the buddha head. And than at the top of the headdress the light will turn into red like flames. Its going to be so sweet!

Heres are the pictures :)

Happy Boobiversary!

To me! Today is the one year anniversary of my breast reduction. A lot has happened in a year. But that breast reduction was the Best. Decision. Ever. I couldn't be happier with the results, and with the pain free year I have had. It also is the day I declared I would start a new healthy lifestyle. Physically and Emotionally. This is a great day. Lets see in the last year I have....

• Lost 30 lbs
• Ran in my first 5k
• Learned to love my body
• Learn to deal with life sober
• Found the best online support group of friends ever
• Did I say learn to run?
  
• Gain confidence I never knew I had
• Learned to love myself
  
• Took my love relationship to the next level
• Walked in my first PAIN-FREE Breast Cancer 3 Day
• Broaden my circle friends with some amazing people
  
• Finally admitted and started to deal with being a victim of childhood sexual abuse
  
• Really connected with my family where once I felt like an outsider
  
• Dealt and still dealing with a very painful friends death and realizing how precious life really is!
• Okay, did I mention running? :)
  

Not all fitness related, but all equally important :) This next year is going to be even better! I plan on taking it to the next level, and keep challenging myself to grow and be the best I can be :)

Now want to see what caused me all those back and neck problems? I cant believe Im posting these pictures...

Here are two before pictures....

And After...

And this picture was right after my surgery - still wearing post surgical bra so they were a bit smashed.
























Phew, what a load off my shoulders! This surgery really made so many positive changes in my life, physically and emotionally. It really started the whole re-evaluation of who I am and where my life was. Who would of thought getting a cosmetic surgery would open the door to changing so many aspects of my life. Thank you Dr. Puri. You changed my life :)

P.S. My tattoo appt is tomorrow - I cant think of a better day after to have it :) Stay tuned for pictures!

Moving Right Along

Calories: 1556
Its been a weird weekend. Good but weird. Friday was a bad day. I hit an all time low emotionally, and it resulted in one of the worse binges Ive had in a long time. I had a few crying breakdowns that day as well. But I'm happy to say I woke up Saturday morning somewhat refreshed. I have been putting to much pressure on myself during a time that has been very difficult. I often compare myself to others, and let myself get discouraged when that comparison is very off. The thing about that is, everyone is different. What works for one person, doesn't work for another. And what one person is going through, another is not. I have to keep that in mind. Also, I keep noticing all the things I'm doing wrong, rather than focusing on the things that are actually good. Even if they far in between, they still deserve acknowledgment.

So taking the advice left on my blog, I did something Saturday morning that would refresh me. Except it wasn't fitness/health related. The 3 Day makes me happy, so I focused on that. I worked on some stuff for my fundraising event, and than I worked on a new myspace page dedicated to the 3 day. After finished with that I was in a pretty good mood. So I headed out to the community center for a jog. I thought the path would be shoveled somewhat, so that was my best avenue. It was shoveled but there was some patches of ice. I just took my steps carefully and took the speed down. The first two miles were hell. I didn't know how far I was going to make it. My training plan called for 5 miles which felt like that was 20 miles away. lol Around mile 3 I started to find my groove and I sailed right on to 5 miles. It took about an hour. So not only did I run my furthest mileage yet, I also ran for 60 minutes which is something Ive never been able to do. I felt pretty great when that was done.

On a side note - I've also decided that my half in April will be a run/walk half marathon. I would prefer 14-16 weeks rather than 10-12 to train for it. I was getting stressed out from the pressure Ive put on myself in this training plan. So taking away the only running factor as helped. My goal is to just finish, and if thats a combo of running and walking, than that is what I'll do.

Unfortunately I havent felt physically that great all weekend. I started a new thyroid medication on Friday, and its not fully kicked in yet. So Ive felt completely exhausted. So Ive been taking more naps than Id like to. I still felt like crap today, so we opted to stay home from the superbowl party we were going to go to. I did my Jillian workout earlier, which kicked my ass, so happy I got in my two workouts this weekend that I aimed for.

I really appreciate your comments on my last post. It really made me re-assess my thinking, and what I need to do to turn my behaviors around . Dealing with Dawns passing as been difficult, and dealing with it sober has been a challenge. I lost a friend about 6 years ago, and I dealt with it only with alcohol. I almost turned to alcohol on Friday. I literally was in the car getting ready to go to the liquor store, but I stopped myself. Im happy I stopped and thought about that decision, since lately I havent been doing that. I feel like Im on an up on that rollercoaster, and think Ill ride it for a little while. Who knows maybe it will level out for a little while :)

P.S. Here is the myspace page I created - http://www.myspace.com/melissa3dayjourney

Why Cant I Bring It?

Seriously. Ive been feeling this way for awhile. Its like no matter how pumped I get myself I never reach that level where Im bringing it. Its always mediocre. Im a mediocre person and feel like I always will be. I could never be someone who eats a strict diet, or someone that religiously works out. Its frustrating because Id like to be. I just don't have it in me for some reason. Ill have a good few weeks and than Ill have a bad few weeks. Its like I always find excuses. I always hit roadblocks. I work through them, but it always feels like a constant struggle. Like most things in my life. Why cant I just be good at this? Why cant I bring it?

Now I guess the thing I should be doing is not questioning it, but finding ways to do it. Ive tried many things and none of them have worked. So I honestly dont know what to do. I can keep doing what Im doing, but that obviously isnt making me happy or seeing any results. As I end January I lost 4lbs, but still the same that I was back at Thanksgiving. What a shame. What a waste of time.

This is not meant to be a pity party. These thoughts have been on my mind and I need to get them out. Im starting to accept where Im at, and its not acceptable. Its not the goal I intended when this journey started, and Im defintely not at a fitness level I want to be. It also scares me that Im going to yo yo right back up to the weight I started with if I don't change my mind thinking now. I question myself often, can I even maintain this lifestyle? Ive been eating fast food like its going out of style. Its easy so I eat it. I actually went a good 7-8 months eating NO fast food. Im doing things to sabatoge me, and really dont think twice about it. I see myself replaying old habits, and that is pretty scary.

I believe Im probably having these thoughts because of my emotional state lately. My emotions have been all over the place. And a once starting to become confident Melissa, as now turned into a very doubtful, unconfident Melissa. I just wish I could find that drive that I know I have. I have shown that drive in many things, especially with the Breast Cancer 3 Day. So I know its in there. Figuring out how to bring it out is the hard part.