Seriously. Ive been feeling this way for awhile. Its like no matter how pumped I get myself I never reach that level where Im bringing it. Its always mediocre. Im a mediocre person and feel like I always will be. I could never be someone who eats a strict diet, or someone that religiously works out. Its frustrating because Id like to be. I just don't have it in me for some reason. Ill have a good few weeks and than Ill have a bad few weeks. Its like I always find excuses. I always hit roadblocks. I work through them, but it always feels like a constant struggle. Like most things in my life. Why cant I just be good at this? Why cant I bring it?
Now I guess the thing I should be doing is not questioning it, but finding ways to do it. Ive tried many things and none of them have worked. So I honestly dont know what to do. I can keep doing what Im doing, but that obviously isnt making me happy or seeing any results. As I end January I lost 4lbs, but still the same that I was back at Thanksgiving. What a shame. What a waste of time.
This is not meant to be a pity party. These thoughts have been on my mind and I need to get them out. Im starting to accept where Im at, and its not acceptable. Its not the goal I intended when this journey started, and Im defintely not at a fitness level I want to be. It also scares me that Im going to yo yo right back up to the weight I started with if I don't change my mind thinking now. I question myself often, can I even maintain this lifestyle? Ive been eating fast food like its going out of style. Its easy so I eat it. I actually went a good 7-8 months eating NO fast food. Im doing things to sabatoge me, and really dont think twice about it. I see myself replaying old habits, and that is pretty scary.
I believe Im probably having these thoughts because of my emotional state lately. My emotions have been all over the place. And a once starting to become confident Melissa, as now turned into a very doubtful, unconfident Melissa. I just wish I could find that drive that I know I have. I have shown that drive in many things, especially with the Breast Cancer 3 Day. So I know its in there. Figuring out how to bring it out is the hard part.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Why Cant I Bring It?
Posted by Melissa at 8:20 PM
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4 comments:
I feel for you a lot - I know what it's like to feel like a prisoner in my own body and mind.
The only thing I can say is that you know that you have it in you - I've seen it. Usually it takes one event to get us on the right direction - maybe it's a race you need to run, or "one perfect day" of eating, maybe something else. I hope you find it Mel. The Melissa I know is one of the strongest women I've met.
hey Melissa, you've come so far! Sure this is an incredibly tough period for you and we all hit really rough spots along the way, but there is no reason why you cant turn this thing around and put it behind you. You can be as strong as you want to be. Whatever is bothering you now, deal with it courageously and never let anything compromise your achievements so far.
Like Rob said, maybe all you need is the motivation, something that will bring the best out in you. Get back to eating clean right away cos eating junk is just going to make you feel worse. As for the exercise, do what you can for now- you will get your groove back.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. First of all, you just lost a friend. That is painful, to say the least, and it makes sense that you would have a hard time mobilizing after that. Second, as layla said, you have accomplished a lot to feel like you're mediocre. A mediocre person could not have done what you have. You may have to accept your personality type, if you do things in fits & spurts, but that's ok. Just accept it, have a game plan for when it happens (plan your workouts in 4 week increments, keep your regimen infused with different things so you don't get bored, whatever). If you don't like to follow a strict diet, figure out a way that works for you and follow it. You may lose a little slower, but that's ok. I definitely do not think you are mediocre. You have a lot to be proud of. Keep your head up!
I have to echo what Rebecca said. If you lost 4 pounds in January, that is nothing to be ashamed of. You got to just keep making the best food choices you can most of the time. If you have a slip up here or there but are otherwise eating healthy, the weight still will come off. It might not be as fast as you would like, but it will still come off, and a slow and steady weight loss is much better than drastically dropping weight.
Keep at it girl...you'll get there.
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