that I said I would never become again. The girl that has no control over what she puts in her mouth. The girl that even though the weight keeps gaining, still continues to be destructive. The girl whose exercise is on the back burner. Well to an extent, I dont really consider walking, and my sporadic running days a good workout plan.
When did I become that girl again?
Seriously I dont know if Im just down a nasty path or what. Its like Ive giving up. I dont care. I cant find the motivation. I know what I need to do, yet I refuse to do it. I prefer to be unhealthy. Like I feel like punishing myself is acceptable. Its not. My dad dropped dead from a heart attack for goodness sakes. If anything I should be focusing on being healthy. But I cant. I cant dig far enough down to figure out why either.
So when I lost weight earlier this year, I donated my "fat" clothes. I said no way, no how, am I ever going to need these again. Nope. Not me. Well now my clothes are extremely tight, and its pretty nasty seeing me in them. So I attempted to go shopping today. So I can at least look presentable at work. Nothing sucks worse than feeling like a fat slob at work. Now I remember how bad it sucks to shop for clothes when your a bigger size. The thing is Im only one size bigger, but just that one size really is a huge difference. I have rolls in all the places I swore Id never see them again. Im disguisted with what I see. And I had no luck in finding clothes that fit.
I took some pictures hoping that would knock some sense in to me. Seriously, seeing myself like that should be some motivation. Nope. I took those pictures a week ago, and yet I still havent made any changes. What the hell is my problem?
Last year when I finished the 3 day, I said next year I will be in shape for the 3 day. I will be at a healthy weight, and I wont fear the pictures of the weekend. Guess what? Im heavier. I look like a roly poly. Im hoping for cooler weather so I can hide behind a long sleeve baggy shirt. Im fat AGAIN. How many times do I need to go through this?
*sigh*
I know Im in control. Only I can make these changes. I just wish it was more black and white on why I cant stay at a healthy weight. Why I have to continue this vicious cycle time and time again.
Okay Ill stop whining. Ill post these pictures for accountablity. And Ill post pictures every few weeks or so, so I continue to feel accountable. This is embarassing, and ugly. But it needs to be done. Because clearly I am out of control.
Ok, yeah. That sucked. Nice double chin Melis. So here I am, 163lbs. Which is about 20+ lbs heavier than when I was at my half marathon,which was the first weekend of May. So sad. I can only go down from here. Time to get a grip.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Ive become THAT girl...
Posted by Melissa at 9:02 PM
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8 comments:
Hey there. I totally get it...yet I really don't quite understand why we do this to ourselves. I have said that so many times...it's like we are punishing ourselves for something. I don't enjoy out of control eating, yet sometimes I cannot seem to stop it. I hate myself while I'm doing it, but then I do it more almost out of anger at myself.
One thing that seems to help is surrounding myself with others that are doing it successfully. The other thing is just fitness.
And love/respect yourself. Ahhh...if it were just that simple.
Best of luck Melissa, I hope that you find your motivation soon.
Dig deep Melissa, I know you got it in you. Like Kristen said we have all been where you are on the health front. Keep trying to make little changes and it will all start to click again. We are all pulling for you.
I totally get it. I recently had to pull my hoodies (sweatshirts) out of the back of my closet for school. For some reason they keep the airconditioner blasting all day and it's always freezing. They are so comfortable and baggy. Also I think a little dangerous cause you don't have to worry about what you look like. I love winter clothes but this year I'm going to try not to hide behind them.
You'll find your motivation again. Until then just fake it. I always hear people say "fake it till you make it". I think mostly they are talking about getting over a break up or handling a sad or difficult situation. But I wonder if it works for motivation too? couldn't hurt to try?
Kudos to you for having the courage to throw those pics online as a way to try and stay accountable, Melissa.
It's kinda weird - I started the blog hoping to find some help and accountability losing weight and getting healthy. But as I've gone along, I have found that its just as easy to write some blustering excuse for how I am as it is to lie to myself or make excuses.
Time after time, I have to remind myself what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
I think you can find it, too, somewhere down inside of yourself.
It also could be that the threat of a heart attack - even with your dad passing away from one a few months ago - isn't a big enough threat for you.
As another twentysomething, I know it's not for me. Neither is getting Type II diabetes (which was only a matter of time for where i was - my dad has it and is almost at insulin shots).
BUT I don't want to continue with the life I have right now. It's pathetic.
So, the social dynamic of being overweight rather than the health concerns is what continues to motivate me.
I'm glad to see a new post from you. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there for the world's scrutiny. I'm going to go with Rip's suggestion of just making small changes. Add a workout here, get rid of a bad food there. That's what worked for me. It took a long time, but I know I can sustain this indefinitely as a result. Good luck, and we're all rooting for you.
Let me put it like this, If losing weight the traditional way doesn't work you do need to do something different, Something enjoyable. Three things worked terrific the first time I lost 150 pounds from my 400+ frame. I worked in UPS throwing heavy stuff around, I went to concerts and local shows to go moshing and I trained to be a wrestler with pros who have now been around the world and one is even a wrestler in the WWE. And that was all while still having to go to my normal 40 hour a week job.
Now maybe those choices don't go with your lifestyle but there are things for sure that you can do. Dancing maybe? How bout some MMA? Not the fighting aspect of it but just the training these people do is enough to burn weight. These two things alone not only help you lose weight but give you a new skill and helps you form stronger friends.
I found in life that you really are as strong as the people around will help you be.
So yeah, Sorry for jumping in without not really knowing you but I still felt that my advice of applying a hobby that has a constant pattern to it will lessen the chance for failure than just regular exercise
Thanks for stopping by my blog...I will try to comment more later tonight on yours, just wanted ot say that I appreciate it!
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