Strength

So this blog is a personal blog. Since the only thing I can think about right now is what I am going to have to do in 3 hours. I will be saying goodbye to a friend that is very dear to my heart. Dawn is dying. Her health is decreasing fast. I mentioned in a blog before Christmas that her family and her decided to stop treatment, and hospice is in place. Well she is still at home at this point, but she can not walk. Her sight and hearing bother her a lot, but she still has use of them. She is on morphine to subside the pain. She is mostly in and out of sleep, but cant still communicate when shes awake.

So there about 6-7 of us that all walked the 3 day together in 2004 that are meeting up before we go over her house. We all are going to make the trip together, and go see her in by twos. And than afterwards all go to get a drink and support each other where we can. I think this is the best way to do this. I honestly dont know if I could go in to see her alone. Im sure I would find the strength. But she has always been strong to us, and now is the time for us to be strong for her. I hope I can find the strength.

Last night as I was in the car every song that came on the radio reminded me of Dawn, and reminded me of struggle. A dark cloud came over me since Ive heard what is happening and it hasnt let up. I went to my sisters for Bob's birthday last night, and my mom felt the need to let everyone know where I was going today. My eyes filled with tears, but I excused myself to the bathroom to regain composure. As I thought about today, my anxiety got higher and higher...actually it still is. I feel Im am close to a panic attack.

Life is not fair. At all. She is so young and deserves life. Its so hard for me to understand this. How in the hell am I suppose to go visit a friend today and know its the last time Im going to see her? How am I suppose to put on a smile, when all I want to do is grab on to her and hold on and never let go? Cancer has taken many people in my life, but never in my adult life. It hurts. Really bad. My hands have been trembling the entire time I write this.

I wish I had someone to turn to. A friend who could support me through this. Unfortunately I dont have to many good friends I can turn to. I really miss my ex best-friend at times like this. She would know what to say, what to do, and make things feel okay. I realize now later in life, how much I miss her like hell, and wish we didnt grow apart. I know Ill have my 3 Day friends, and while we all arent super close...we do know the struggle and have experienced the effects of this horrible disease together....so that will be comforting to each of us. Grant has been there for me, as he always is, but I think he really doesnt know what to do either but just hug me and tell me its going to be okay. But its not. Shes dying. Theres nothing okay about that. But after I let the anger subside, I realize it will be okay. God only hands us as much as we can handle, so in the end it will hurt like hell...but it will be okay.

Deep Breath In. Deep Breath Out. Maybe Ill try to go for a jog before I go, it will help clear my head a bit. I will not look at this visit, as "a goodbye visit", but rather a time to catch up and enjoy each others company. I know she will put on her smile, and show how strong she is. That is Dawn - one of the strongest woman I know. Ill enjoy my time with her today, and make sure I tell her how much I love her. I will be strong. Because thats all I can do.