From The Outside Looking In

Don't you ever feel like that? I have been lately. I really have been stressing myself out with to do lists. I have so much stuff that Im trying to do at night that I get way to overwhelmed and dont finish any of the tasks. I end up watching tivo or getting on the Internet and than once again...another night wasted. I always have good intentions but they never follow through. I sometimes even visualize how great Ill feel getting things done, but nope. (yes I know Im strange) I wish I was that motivated person who finishes her to do list. No wonder I always worked two jobs...when I have to much time on my hands Im not good at making my time efficient!

I know lately Ive had a lot of personal things on my mind, so that definitely ads to the stress levels I have. Im trying to get people together for Grants birthday this weekend, and it looks like its completely going to bomb. And I had the worse appointment ever with my endocrinologist last week, and she is not helping me one bit. Im finding out all the endocrinologist in the area are just like her, medicating per labs and not caring one bit how I actually feel on the meds. Than of course this whole financial issue, and how I cant find a second job if my life dependent on it. And work is a bit stressful....I was given new accounts and no one can help me with them so I feel like Im incompetent at work....and the list goes on and on. lol So yeah I guess you can say Im a little overwhelmed with my thoughts right now.

Anyhoo...this mornings weigh in was ok. I gained 3lbs from the weekend splurges, and I got back to where I started today. So no gain or loss for weigh in day. Which is fine. But Im 6 pounds away from my October goal. Can I make it? Im hoping so. I really need to focus for these last two weeks, and make that 6 pound goal. I lost 3lbs the first week so I know its attainable. Everyone has been doing great with their October goal, I want to be a successful October goal meeter as well!

Now with that being said, what the hell was I thinking today? I ate pretty bad. And each time I put something in my mouth I had that whole looking from the outside in thing again. I could see myself come out of my body, shake my finger at me, and say..yeah thats going help you lose those pounds. First for breakfast I had my oatmeal but when I went to make it I noticed a whole in the bag. So I threw it away. So what do I do? Go down to the cafeteria and get me a bagel with cream cheese. At lunch I go downstairs and think, salad bar, salad bar. But than walk into the grill line and get a turkey burger. I say no bun or cheese and get fries. Not just fries but dipped my fries in mayo. Yeah like the no bun and cheese justified it. Around 3pm I could barely keep my eyes open...I wonder why. I was definitely thinking nap time when I got home.

But as soon as I got home I said get your booty to the track! So I did complete my walk/jog for the day. And boy was it tough. While I think my breathing is getting better, I was pooped halfway through. I know its from the bad fuel I gave my body. Im wondering how Im going to conquer the 3 minutes of jogging next week but Ill worry about that when it gets here. The sunny weather was refreshing though. I think the jog helped clear my head a bit. That was until a few hours later. :(

So to try and focus better I started a to do list and broke tasks down for each night, instead of one long to do list for the week. Since that obviously is just stressing me out. I had only two more things to complete tonight. I thought maybe Ill finish this night off successful. Well tonight was laundry night. Normally Grant and I rotate. We are waiting on his dad to get his truck back so we can go get the washer and dryer he has at his house for us. Our washer broke way back in July! Looks like maybe next week will work for us to get it, I got my fingers crossed. Anyways, there was 8 loads of laundry! So I offered to go with Grant. I figured that would be some good downtime to get some thank you cards finished. (since Ive been working on those for a few weeks now and they are on my to do list) So after we put the wash in, Grants like are you hungry. Of course I am and I previously planned on just having oatmeal for dinner since I racked up the calories throughout the day. Well right next to the laundry mat is Little Ceasers. So we end up getting a hot and ready pizza. Not only did I eat 2 pieces, but 2 pieces of crazy bread to. oy! Again who is this girl, and can I have the motivated, eye on the prize Melissa back? Every week I do this right after weigh in. Its like oh I can do this just today. I have a whole week ahead of me. Its something I need to break. I need to plan out that day better, its the only way to make it successful. And as some of you probably feel this way to, but when you make those decisions you get so down on yourself. Your like damn I can be such an idiot sometimes. Im sure the day could of gone worse...and tomorrow will be better. And today is a good day compared to what I was eating a few months ago. So whats done is done. Time to take control and stop looking from the outside in. Its not rocket science at this point right?

P.S. Thank you everyone for your comments yesterday. It was really nice. Lately Ive been feeling great about my body, and even wore shorts out in public today (something I NEVER do). I can only imagine what the next 20 will feel like. Thank you for your endless support FAT, I couldnt do it without you!