Energy

I could use some right now. I have felt so drained for the last couple weeks and I just wish I could muster up some energy. Although Ive never had mono, Im sure this is what it feels like. I seriously am awake maybe 10 hours a day. That would be the hours Im at work. Grant has had to force me pretty much out of bed to eat dinner. Its getting ridlicious and Im so over this. I did make an appt to get bloodwork done, but Im sure it will be the same ol story. My thyroid levels are normal, and they seem to think its in my head that Im tired all the time. Unfortunately recently I caught a really bad sinus infection so that kicked me on my ass for a few days as well. Something else Im so over - WINTER!

The scale jumped last week higher than what I started with at the beginning of the month. But from what Ive been putting in my mouth it is not a surprise. Ive been out of control. Its been interesting reading Robs blog lately because we are so identical. I know my food issues are a lot deeper than Im acknowledging. I have taking in consideration of going to talk to someone about this. I think it will be beneficial for me. Although Ive always had some food issues, I think now that Im drinking less the food issues are more red flagged. Either way the issue has been on my mind, and Ive been trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward. Im tired of the struggle with food. And want to be healthy but not sure how to get there.

On the workout front - I have been working out. Not consistently but still getting them in where I can. I should force myself more because it would give me a little more energy. I did sign back up at the community center so that has been helpful. And I picked up the book, The New Rules of Lifting for Woman, and have been interested by the read. Im hoping to try a workout from the book in the next week or two.

Same old story on this blog. I feel like I waste your time reading this crap. Im trying to remain positive and not let negative talk take over my head....but its been a daunting task. I just wish stuff would click, but it doesnt seem to be happening. I need a different avenue because what Im doing just isnt working....

Buddha Tattoo - First Session

So this is going to be another non fitness blog, but I have to share this with you :-) I promise fitness blogs this weekend. So my first session was yesterday of my buddha tattoo. I decided to get a half sleeve of a buddha head on top of a lotus flower. Why this design? Thought you would never ask :)

As some of you read in my previous blog, its been quite a journey Ive been on. The growth Ive made over the last year is amazing. I wanted to get a tattoo to mark this time in my life. At first I wasnt sure if I want to do the arm tattoo or something else. Ive been researching on what I can get for quite sometime, but nothing was like I HAVE TO HAVE THAT. Until I saw a reference of a buddha head looking down at a lotus flower. The symbolization of this was right on key of what I was trying to represent. The Lotus flower really represents my journey. They are found in water. They germinate at the bottom of a pond – in the muck and mud – and grow toward the surface and the light. When they emerge at the surface, they flower. Such a good meaning for someone whose gone through and overcome a hard time. Lotus flowers also can be viewed as the perfection of beauty and a symbol of spirtual growth. The Buddha represents being awaken, enlightment, and just really living life the way "the buddha does" . Do good on to others, and others will do good on to you. And act in positive ways, and positive things will happen! Shall I say, Karama? :)

I just love the serenity of the buddha above the flower. Its like the storm is over and its centers me to where my peace is. When I went for my consultation I said maybe my arm, and as she designed it out with me, and suggested a half sleeve...I knew that was the best place. When I get down and have those bad days...I can glance at my arm and remember where Ive been, and where I want to be.

So yesterday I got to the tattoo shop around 1:30, and when she showed me the stencil I got a huge grin, and said it looks awesome. It was to big so she had to scale it down a little bit. So we started around 2. Its from my elbow to the top of my shoulder and there are a few very tender spots like in the crack of my arm where you get blood taking. And in my armpit fat. So those hurt during the outline. But the outline was nothing compared to the shading! I forgot how painful tattoos are. It has been 10 years. And my longest tattoo was only 1 hour. This may be my last :p

We went for 3 hours. She finished the outline and asked how I was feeling. I said we can try some shading..Im feeling maybe about a 5 in pain. So she did some of the black and gray shading. OMG. It felt like she was scrapping to my bone. It hurt like a bitch! But I stuck it out. I was getting antsy towards the end so she was trying to talk less and work faster. At least it felt like it. We got a good portion of the shading done. I looked in the mirror and just fell in love. It exactly what I wanted and I cant wait till its done. She thinks maybe 2 more sessions depending on how the next session goes.

She is so into this tattoo which makes it so much better. Shes taking a buddha art history class right now so she was telling me about everything she has learned. And she kept thanking me for allowing her to do this tatttoo and how its going to be a great addition to her portfolio. Shes awesome. Im glad I found her. She was even impressed with how long I lasted. I was impressed with myself to tell you the truth!

So she wants to put a light coming through the flower and shinging behind the buddha head. And than at the top of the headdress the light will turn into red like flames. Its going to be so sweet!

Heres are the pictures :)

Happy Boobiversary!

To me! Today is the one year anniversary of my breast reduction. A lot has happened in a year. But that breast reduction was the Best. Decision. Ever. I couldn't be happier with the results, and with the pain free year I have had. It also is the day I declared I would start a new healthy lifestyle. Physically and Emotionally. This is a great day. Lets see in the last year I have....

• Lost 30 lbs
• Ran in my first 5k
• Learned to love my body
• Learn to deal with life sober
• Found the best online support group of friends ever
• Did I say learn to run?
  
• Gain confidence I never knew I had
• Learned to love myself
  
• Took my love relationship to the next level
• Walked in my first PAIN-FREE Breast Cancer 3 Day
• Broaden my circle friends with some amazing people
  
• Finally admitted and started to deal with being a victim of childhood sexual abuse
  
• Really connected with my family where once I felt like an outsider
  
• Dealt and still dealing with a very painful friends death and realizing how precious life really is!
• Okay, did I mention running? :)
  

Not all fitness related, but all equally important :) This next year is going to be even better! I plan on taking it to the next level, and keep challenging myself to grow and be the best I can be :)

Now want to see what caused me all those back and neck problems? I cant believe Im posting these pictures...

Here are two before pictures....

And After...

And this picture was right after my surgery - still wearing post surgical bra so they were a bit smashed.
























Phew, what a load off my shoulders! This surgery really made so many positive changes in my life, physically and emotionally. It really started the whole re-evaluation of who I am and where my life was. Who would of thought getting a cosmetic surgery would open the door to changing so many aspects of my life. Thank you Dr. Puri. You changed my life :)

P.S. My tattoo appt is tomorrow - I cant think of a better day after to have it :) Stay tuned for pictures!

Moving Right Along

Calories: 1556
Its been a weird weekend. Good but weird. Friday was a bad day. I hit an all time low emotionally, and it resulted in one of the worse binges Ive had in a long time. I had a few crying breakdowns that day as well. But I'm happy to say I woke up Saturday morning somewhat refreshed. I have been putting to much pressure on myself during a time that has been very difficult. I often compare myself to others, and let myself get discouraged when that comparison is very off. The thing about that is, everyone is different. What works for one person, doesn't work for another. And what one person is going through, another is not. I have to keep that in mind. Also, I keep noticing all the things I'm doing wrong, rather than focusing on the things that are actually good. Even if they far in between, they still deserve acknowledgment.

So taking the advice left on my blog, I did something Saturday morning that would refresh me. Except it wasn't fitness/health related. The 3 Day makes me happy, so I focused on that. I worked on some stuff for my fundraising event, and than I worked on a new myspace page dedicated to the 3 day. After finished with that I was in a pretty good mood. So I headed out to the community center for a jog. I thought the path would be shoveled somewhat, so that was my best avenue. It was shoveled but there was some patches of ice. I just took my steps carefully and took the speed down. The first two miles were hell. I didn't know how far I was going to make it. My training plan called for 5 miles which felt like that was 20 miles away. lol Around mile 3 I started to find my groove and I sailed right on to 5 miles. It took about an hour. So not only did I run my furthest mileage yet, I also ran for 60 minutes which is something Ive never been able to do. I felt pretty great when that was done.

On a side note - I've also decided that my half in April will be a run/walk half marathon. I would prefer 14-16 weeks rather than 10-12 to train for it. I was getting stressed out from the pressure Ive put on myself in this training plan. So taking away the only running factor as helped. My goal is to just finish, and if thats a combo of running and walking, than that is what I'll do.

Unfortunately I havent felt physically that great all weekend. I started a new thyroid medication on Friday, and its not fully kicked in yet. So Ive felt completely exhausted. So Ive been taking more naps than Id like to. I still felt like crap today, so we opted to stay home from the superbowl party we were going to go to. I did my Jillian workout earlier, which kicked my ass, so happy I got in my two workouts this weekend that I aimed for.

I really appreciate your comments on my last post. It really made me re-assess my thinking, and what I need to do to turn my behaviors around . Dealing with Dawns passing as been difficult, and dealing with it sober has been a challenge. I lost a friend about 6 years ago, and I dealt with it only with alcohol. I almost turned to alcohol on Friday. I literally was in the car getting ready to go to the liquor store, but I stopped myself. Im happy I stopped and thought about that decision, since lately I havent been doing that. I feel like Im on an up on that rollercoaster, and think Ill ride it for a little while. Who knows maybe it will level out for a little while :)

P.S. Here is the myspace page I created - http://www.myspace.com/melissa3dayjourney