Ive become THAT girl...

that I said I would never become again. The girl that has no control over what she puts in her mouth. The girl that even though the weight keeps gaining, still continues to be destructive. The girl whose exercise is on the back burner. Well to an extent, I dont really consider walking, and my sporadic running days a good workout plan.

When did I become that girl again?

Seriously I dont know if Im just down a nasty path or what. Its like Ive giving up. I dont care. I cant find the motivation. I know what I need to do, yet I refuse to do it. I prefer to be unhealthy. Like I feel like punishing myself is acceptable. Its not. My dad dropped dead from a heart attack for goodness sakes. If anything I should be focusing on being healthy. But I cant. I cant dig far enough down to figure out why either.

So when I lost weight earlier this year, I donated my "fat" clothes. I said no way, no how, am I ever going to need these again. Nope. Not me. Well now my clothes are extremely tight, and its pretty nasty seeing me in them. So I attempted to go shopping today. So I can at least look presentable at work. Nothing sucks worse than feeling like a fat slob at work. Now I remember how bad it sucks to shop for clothes when your a bigger size. The thing is Im only one size bigger, but just that one size really is a huge difference. I have rolls in all the places I swore Id never see them again. Im disguisted with what I see. And I had no luck in finding clothes that fit.

I took some pictures hoping that would knock some sense in to me. Seriously, seeing myself like that should be some motivation. Nope. I took those pictures a week ago, and yet I still havent made any changes. What the hell is my problem?

Last year when I finished the 3 day, I said next year I will be in shape for the 3 day. I will be at a healthy weight, and I wont fear the pictures of the weekend. Guess what? Im heavier. I look like a roly poly. Im hoping for cooler weather so I can hide behind a long sleeve baggy shirt. Im fat AGAIN. How many times do I need to go through this?

*sigh*

I know Im in control. Only I can make these changes. I just wish it was more black and white on why I cant stay at a healthy weight. Why I have to continue this vicious cycle time and time again.

Okay Ill stop whining. Ill post these pictures for accountablity. And Ill post pictures every few weeks or so, so I continue to feel accountable. This is embarassing, and ugly. But it needs to be done. Because clearly I am out of control.



Ok, yeah. That sucked. Nice double chin Melis. So here I am, 163lbs. Which is about 20+ lbs heavier than when I was at my half marathon,which was the first weekend of May. So sad. I can only go down from here. Time to get a grip.

Finding my zen

Phew! Things have gotten really out of whack. Its amazing how fast things can trickle out of order. Its like a domino effect sometimes. While Im trying to find a routine that works best for me, its really seems to be quite the difficult task.

I got a promotion at work, which is a great thing :) But I hate not being great at what I do. Im such an overachiever and want to do the best I can. While I am doing the best I can with what I know, its not at that level where I want it to be. But it is a learning process, and once I get over that first learning curve Ill relax a bit. So its caused a bit of stress. And what does stress do to an emotional eater? You got it.

Thankfully Ive been keeping up with my workouts or Id probably of gained more weight. But Im just maintaining, which is still a lot heavier than I want to be. I need to buckle down on what Im eating. Seriously. Enough is enough. I feel like a broken record. I need to get in control of my emotional eating. I have learned how to handle emotional eating with my grief. This past week the grief has been pretty heavy actually (this weekend is coming up on 4 months since my dad passed), and Ive been able to avoid the binges. Ive been going to a grief support group, and it really has been a HUGE help. Ive learned a process on how to accept the grief. Before I couldnt even identify when its grief, but now I can. I identify it, allow it with a specific time frame, and when that time frame is up I dismiss it. And than I do an activity that is fun, positive, and healthy. Its almost common sense right? But doesnt feel so much like that when its happening. So why cant I apply this process or one similar to it when stress hits? Its pretty much the same concept. It just feels like a totally different ballgame with stress for some reason.

So Im trying to find my zen. Im working on the easier stuff first. The things I know I can get back in order. Ive been able to get the household back in a routine. We have had Rusty for over a month now. And hes adjusted well to the big dogs, as they have to him. I knew there would be an adjustment period, and sometimes I wish I had a third hand. But the process definitely moved a LOT faster than I expected. Im so glad hes here with us. Having them on a schedule is definitely helping me. Even their playtime seems to be the same time everyday. LOL My LS business has been slow, so I have had time to organize my office. And also been able to keep up on the house chores! Its amazing how when things around you get organized how better you feel. Now matter how chaotic your day is...when you come home to a clean, organized space...its like tranquility. Ive started to do more consistent things non exercise related for me as well. Like reading, listening to music, cooking (shhh, dont tell Grant about that one), photography, etc. Things that make me happy, and help me feel centered again. I can feel the zen coming back.....I feel it so close.

Now to put a plan together on this stress emotional eating......

The Boston 3 Day

The Boston 3 Day was awesome! Ive been so busy since Ive gotten back that I havent had a chance to blog about it. I know I can ramble so Ill try to not make this into a novel. :p

Traveling definitely caused a little bit of chaos in the beginning of the weekend. We got to drop off our gear bags the night before and I didnt grab any of my rain gear. And wouldnt you know mother nature blessed us with rainstorms on that first day. As we started off one the first day the rain clouds definitely were hoovering over us. And as soon as we started walking, we got hit with some heavy rain. It only lasted 3 miles, but boy did I wish I had my rain coat, or even a poncho. About 2 miles in a crew member was passing out garbage bags, and it worked just as great. Kept me warm to! The rain was so hard that I had to take off my glasses, and couldnt see very well. So it was an interesting start. LOL

After those first 3 miles it cleared up and was pretty decent weather most of the day. We walked 18 miles this day, and I felt pretty good all the way through. As we hit the last leg of 3 miles, I noticed some dark rain clouds hoovering over us. Sure enough the rain started to come again. This time we had ponchos :) It was torrential downpour. The streets and sidewalks were flooded. And at one point we were walking on the shoulder so the cars were splashing us. Local businesses, and even neighbors were offering their porches, houses, garages for safety. But I know if we stopped we wouldnt be able to finish. So we kept on going. It was actually kind of fun :) We got into camp and were rushed into a school for safety. It was starting to lightening and thunder at that point. We were welcomed with towels, and a badge of honor, a I survived the storm pin! Pins and stickers are such a big thing on the 3 day. :) Turned out that there were storms rolling in all night, so we got to sleep inside the school that night. Unfortunately the hallway we got stuck in had emergency fluorescent lights. Thank goodness for my bandanna or I might not have gotten any sleep!

We woke up Saturday morning to a beautiful day! The sun was shining, the temps were in the low 80's and the humidity was low. Perfect weather! The route on day 2 was amazing. We walked through suburbs, a golf course, parks, and nature trails. I loved it! My feet were a bit tender from the rain, so a blister popped up. And grew pretty big. But nothing good blister care couldnt take care of. We walked 22 miles this day, and arrived into camp about an hour later than the first day. We set up camp, ate dinner, showered, watched the entertainment, and called it a night at 9pm.

The Boston 3 day has these kids helping out, the Youth Corps. These kids are amazing. Thisgroup is made up of 20 kids between the ages of 10-15 years old. They have to apply to be in the Youth Corp. Fill out an application, write an essay on why they want to be part of the 3 day, get interviewed, and than fundraise $400. Only 20 get picked each year. And they get to camp with us, and are there helping at camp, pit stops, cheering on walkers, etc. Its really awesome to see them in action. And their fundraising reached over $20,000! These kids are doing amazing things! Most of them actually walk once they hit 16 to! They got to introduce themselves and why they want to be part of the 3 day, and almost all of them have lost a family member to breast cancer. I hate this disease!

On the last day, the sun was blazing and we walked in it most of the day. Last year I had one injury, sunburnt lips, so I kept applying sunscreen to my lips and everywhere else. Some how I didnt do a good job because my lips had sun poisoning. They swelled out 3 times their size! I looked like I had lip injections. lol This day was physically the hardest for me to. The Boston hills (which according to the natives werent even "real" hills) were starting to make my calves ache.So I was at a much slower pace. Than blisters started to pop up everywhere! Lots of first aid care on this day. But we only had 15 miles and the cheering stations, and people all along the route made the day much easier. We also walked along some beautiful beaches! Cant get that view in Michigan :) They threw in some crosstraining for us at mile 58, stairs! lol Although it felt good to move different muscles. We finished off the walk at U Mass. A really great location, what a beautiful campus. Shortly after finishing we all lined up, and headed into closing ceremonies and heard a pretty emotional closing speech.

1900 walkers, 300 crew members, $5.1 million raised! Amazing.

Here are some pictures if you like to check them out...

http://picasaweb.google.com/cajaya/BostonBreastCancer3Day2008

Im so glad I did it. It was fun to go to a different city and experience it from the Boston point of view. It has similarities to Michigan, but at the same time was very different. I felt pretty decent when I was done. Wasnt even sore on Monday. But I can defintely say last year I was more on top of my training game. Maybe I got a little cocky from last year, and lacked a little bit to much on the training than I should have. Im still pushing out the miles though. Michigan is in 3 weeks, and Im so geeked that I get to experience the 3 day all over again!

P.S. So I guess you can really tell how bad my brain is scattered lately by this post. lol Im all over the place on this blog. Sorry! lol