Give Step A Chance

So its been a trying week. It seems every month, the week of the anniversary of the day my dads passing, my depression sinks deeper. I know its coming, so I thought maybe I could better prepare for it this month. That didnt work out so well for me. Instead I found myself sitting on the couch in a daze from the time I got home from work, till the time I went to bed.

So a friend I carpool to work with asked me how my night was, did I get out for a run like I wanted to? And I hung my head in shame, and said no. It was another one of those days, if you know what I mean. She has seen me on those days, so she knew exactly what I meant. So she perked up and said, I have an idea. Why dont you come to yoga and step class with me tonight? I looked over at her and said, Step? At your level? I may just die if I do that. lol Than I thought, why not? I could use a workout beating. And have never tried an actual Yoga class. (Only dvds)

So I gave Step a chance. First the instructor had a great story. She joined the Y when she was overweight, and after being there for a year she lost enough weight that they wanted to do a success story on her. Than she started her certification to be an instructor, and now she is doing that as her full time job. She has that fit, healthy look that I strive for. Our body types were very similar to, so its always inspiration to see where people have been, and where they are now. She is a great instructor. She gave good instructions, especially for those of us that are a little slow. And she pushes your limits enough where you push above your threshold but not to hard, ya know?

This was a 60 minute class, so about halfway through I did glance over at my friend and said....damn you took me to exercise hell! It was a good hell though. I seriously havent worked out that hard probably ever. Or sweated that much either! I was able to keep up, so that was a bonus. There were a few hip skipping moves I couldnt catch on to, but for the most part hung in there. It made me feel like maybe I wasnt as out of shape as I thought I was :) I think all that walking Ive been doing really helped me legs out the next day to. lol When I was done, I felt fantastic! Seriously. I want that feeling every week. And that depression, well lets just say my world felt a little bit brighter that night and the next day :)

So now I want to sign up. Its a little pricey, the classes are an additional cost to the membership. So Im still crunching numbers to see if it fits into my budget. Another perk is I know that my friend will keep me accountable to keep going. She said Ill pick you up on the way every week. Nothing more accountable than someone sitting in your driveway waiting to pick you up. :p

So maybe Im not so opposed to group exercise as I thought I was.

Jazzercise

On Saturday I decided to try Jazzercise. The first class was free, so I figured why not try it out. I was a little nervous since for one I suck at group exercise. It takes me quite sometime to catch on to the moves. I swear sometimes I feel like I have two left feet. Also, stepping out of my comfort zone looking like a chubalub is not always fun. Lastly, I honestly thought it was going to be cheesy. But I was pleasantly surprised by the class.

There are all ages in the class, and all different fitness levels. And everyone was really friendly which made it even more relaxing. The classes are 60 minutes, and its a combination of dance, pilates, yoga, kick-boxing, and resistance training. It starts off with a little warm up, than you do cardio, strengthening, and stretching. All of this is done to Top 40's, country, jazz, and everything in between. Some moves felt silly, but they were fun. I could feel my heart rate pumping, and calories burning. :) And I did have two left feet, I was catching on to the moves by the end of each song. LOL I sweated quite a bit, and felt like I got a good workout in by the end. Im defintely feeling the burn today to. Although that could be due to not using these muscles for awhile. LOL

I just wonder if after a month or so, if it would be effective or not. If I would feel like its really pushing me to the fitness level I want. Its really hard to judge by just one class though. At this point any exercise is helpful though! Look at me talking about if it will push me to a certain fitness level, like Ive ever even been at that point before. lol

The location I went to, if you sign up you can go to two different facilities. Which has 2 different instructors at each location, so it would be mixed up a bit. And they do offer 3 different types of jazzercise. So they are running a special right now and Im going to give it a whirl. I figure its something I enjoy, and have fun doing...and it is a 60 minute workout. So why not. I can use heavier handweights as time goes on, so we will see how I feel about it in a few months. The special is for the rest of the year, and pretty cheap. So Ill reassess after that. If I still enjoy it, its on a month to month contract so its not like your locked in for a year or two.

Jazzercise..me? Who would of thunk?

Now besides that I had the most kickass run today. The kind of run where you feel like your gliding, and could run forever. It was a great way to clear my head with the recent events going on in my life. Its been a good weekend. :)

3 Day Season Coming To An End

First let me thank all of you for your wonderful comments on my last blog. I really appreciate the encouragement :)

So I walked in the Michigan Breast Cancer 3 Day this past weekend. It was probably my favorite walk so far. It was a really nice weekend honoring the memory of my dad and Dawn. Lots of tears, and I could feel some healing taking place. It was especially hard due to it being the same route as last year. So I could literally see my dad and Dawn standing at opening and closing cermonies, and the cheering stations where they were last year. But not only were they in those spots, but they were with me every step of the way. :) Michigan raised $7.2 million! The highest Michigan has ever raised! The people, the stories, the memories have inspired and motivated me. I get teary eyed thinking about the event!

I vowed to not walk next year. And was good about not signing up for 09 at camp. I know Im burning myself out, and will be planning my wedding next year so decided it would be best if I completely take a year off. But as the event was coming to an end on Sunday, I knew I had to be part of it next year. So Ill be signing up once I find the discount code, and wont be walking, but signing up to crew next year. I just have to be part of such an amazing event! I saw Jim at the end, and he is looking mighty trim I'll say. :)

While Im sad that my 3 Day Season has come to an end, I will admit Im really looking forward to getting in a more consistent routine. In all areas of my life. Im debating if Im going to join the community center again or not. I cancelled my membership while training for the 3 day because I just wasnt getting my moneys worth. A friend and I thought about joining the Fitness 19 by our house, so may go check that out. On Saturday Im actually going to check out the local Jazzercise center. heh The first class is free, and than you can decide if you want to join or not. I figure its something new, and if I find someone to meet there Ill feel accountable. We shall see. I am not really good at group exercise so not sure how it will work out.

Im slowly trying to get my eating under control. Its a hard thing to do after doing the 3 day. On top of that, my emotions have been all over the place again. My mother and I have had a very strained relationship since my dad passed. We have always had not so great relationship. And now that my dad is gone, there is no buffer between us. She has already started having "man friends". And she pulled a very selfish act this past weekend that I seriously cant even bring myself to type about. After that episode, I havent heard from her. But than I received a letter from her today in the mail that I wont go into details about. But I will say she is being very manipulative, selfish, and completely inappropriate. She informed me she is getting married. Its been almost 5 months since my dad passed, and 4 months since she met this man. While I do understand that she needs companionship, and is moving on with her life...its still very difficult. Especially when its being forced upon me when Im clearly not ready for it. I just wish she would put herself in my shoes for once, and realize I need time. Time to grieve. Time to heal. Than time to adjust. Sadly, I do think cutting ties with her for a little while is probably vital for my own mental well being. She is literally robbing me of my grieving and healing process. Everytime I start to feel like progress is being made, she drops some selfish bomb on me, and its all about her. Its causing a lot of anxiety and stress in my life. Its sad to feel like Ive lost both parents. Thankfully my future in laws have really stepped in lately. Im feel truly lucky to have them.

So the emotional eating is at an all time high, but Im trying my best to keep it in check. Just taking things one day at a time. With the advice of my therapist, Ive started to keep a thought journal on my eating patterns. Im learning how to identify when my thoughts are reality or fantasy. Its been an eye opener. Im looking forward to really grasping hold of my emotional eating.

Phew! Its been a rough 5 days. I think some downtime with the family is in order. Till next time FAT ;)

Ive become THAT girl...

that I said I would never become again. The girl that has no control over what she puts in her mouth. The girl that even though the weight keeps gaining, still continues to be destructive. The girl whose exercise is on the back burner. Well to an extent, I dont really consider walking, and my sporadic running days a good workout plan.

When did I become that girl again?

Seriously I dont know if Im just down a nasty path or what. Its like Ive giving up. I dont care. I cant find the motivation. I know what I need to do, yet I refuse to do it. I prefer to be unhealthy. Like I feel like punishing myself is acceptable. Its not. My dad dropped dead from a heart attack for goodness sakes. If anything I should be focusing on being healthy. But I cant. I cant dig far enough down to figure out why either.

So when I lost weight earlier this year, I donated my "fat" clothes. I said no way, no how, am I ever going to need these again. Nope. Not me. Well now my clothes are extremely tight, and its pretty nasty seeing me in them. So I attempted to go shopping today. So I can at least look presentable at work. Nothing sucks worse than feeling like a fat slob at work. Now I remember how bad it sucks to shop for clothes when your a bigger size. The thing is Im only one size bigger, but just that one size really is a huge difference. I have rolls in all the places I swore Id never see them again. Im disguisted with what I see. And I had no luck in finding clothes that fit.

I took some pictures hoping that would knock some sense in to me. Seriously, seeing myself like that should be some motivation. Nope. I took those pictures a week ago, and yet I still havent made any changes. What the hell is my problem?

Last year when I finished the 3 day, I said next year I will be in shape for the 3 day. I will be at a healthy weight, and I wont fear the pictures of the weekend. Guess what? Im heavier. I look like a roly poly. Im hoping for cooler weather so I can hide behind a long sleeve baggy shirt. Im fat AGAIN. How many times do I need to go through this?

*sigh*

I know Im in control. Only I can make these changes. I just wish it was more black and white on why I cant stay at a healthy weight. Why I have to continue this vicious cycle time and time again.

Okay Ill stop whining. Ill post these pictures for accountablity. And Ill post pictures every few weeks or so, so I continue to feel accountable. This is embarassing, and ugly. But it needs to be done. Because clearly I am out of control.



Ok, yeah. That sucked. Nice double chin Melis. So here I am, 163lbs. Which is about 20+ lbs heavier than when I was at my half marathon,which was the first weekend of May. So sad. I can only go down from here. Time to get a grip.

Finding my zen

Phew! Things have gotten really out of whack. Its amazing how fast things can trickle out of order. Its like a domino effect sometimes. While Im trying to find a routine that works best for me, its really seems to be quite the difficult task.

I got a promotion at work, which is a great thing :) But I hate not being great at what I do. Im such an overachiever and want to do the best I can. While I am doing the best I can with what I know, its not at that level where I want it to be. But it is a learning process, and once I get over that first learning curve Ill relax a bit. So its caused a bit of stress. And what does stress do to an emotional eater? You got it.

Thankfully Ive been keeping up with my workouts or Id probably of gained more weight. But Im just maintaining, which is still a lot heavier than I want to be. I need to buckle down on what Im eating. Seriously. Enough is enough. I feel like a broken record. I need to get in control of my emotional eating. I have learned how to handle emotional eating with my grief. This past week the grief has been pretty heavy actually (this weekend is coming up on 4 months since my dad passed), and Ive been able to avoid the binges. Ive been going to a grief support group, and it really has been a HUGE help. Ive learned a process on how to accept the grief. Before I couldnt even identify when its grief, but now I can. I identify it, allow it with a specific time frame, and when that time frame is up I dismiss it. And than I do an activity that is fun, positive, and healthy. Its almost common sense right? But doesnt feel so much like that when its happening. So why cant I apply this process or one similar to it when stress hits? Its pretty much the same concept. It just feels like a totally different ballgame with stress for some reason.

So Im trying to find my zen. Im working on the easier stuff first. The things I know I can get back in order. Ive been able to get the household back in a routine. We have had Rusty for over a month now. And hes adjusted well to the big dogs, as they have to him. I knew there would be an adjustment period, and sometimes I wish I had a third hand. But the process definitely moved a LOT faster than I expected. Im so glad hes here with us. Having them on a schedule is definitely helping me. Even their playtime seems to be the same time everyday. LOL My LS business has been slow, so I have had time to organize my office. And also been able to keep up on the house chores! Its amazing how when things around you get organized how better you feel. Now matter how chaotic your day is...when you come home to a clean, organized space...its like tranquility. Ive started to do more consistent things non exercise related for me as well. Like reading, listening to music, cooking (shhh, dont tell Grant about that one), photography, etc. Things that make me happy, and help me feel centered again. I can feel the zen coming back.....I feel it so close.

Now to put a plan together on this stress emotional eating......